Arguments and fights– we’ve all been there. And despite the fact that these are far from enjoyable, we know that every good friendship and relationship has its tense moments. However, many of us also do things that make our arguments counterproductive. Rather than listening carefully, then speaking articulately and kindly, we lash out and seek to win.
I’ve been there with my husband throughout our 6 years as a couple; I’ve also been there with family members and good friends. So when I found out about what psychologist Frank Dattilio calls cognitive distortions (2010), I realized that the way I argued with others had to change. Dattilio identified 10 ways in which our words can reflect a distorted view of reality. In other words, we are prone to saying these things during an argument, but they are usually not true.
If we can learn to avoid saying some of these things, our disagreements would be more rapidly resolved with fewer hurt feelings. And I’m sharing these because I have been guilty of nearly all of them. Let me know if you can relate!
Sometimes this is what it feels like…
10 Things to Avoid During an Argument
[10 Common Cognitive Distortions]
1) Arbitrary inference: jumping to conclusions without sufficient evidence. If my husband hasn’t taken out the recycling, he must be doing it on purpose to spite me because yesterday we had an argument about laundry.
2) Selective abstraction: taking things out of context, highlighting some pieces of information and ignoring others. Instead of giving my friend credit for what she has spent on our activities together, I blame her for always making me pay.
3) Overgeneralization: from one incident to a universal principle. My house mate leaves her socks on the floor one day. I yell at her for *always* leaving her stuff on the floor and *never* cleaning up.
4) Magnification/minimization: perceiving a situation as more or less significant than necessary; making mountains out of molehills. Our dinner guest makes a remark about how he prefers apple crumbles to pies, and I hold a grudge against him for not appreciating the delicious dessert I served that evening.
5) Dichotomous thinking: everything is either black or white, all or nothing. My wife did not succeed in doing something; that must mean she didn’t try at all.
6) Personalization: taking things personally without enough evidence. My friend must have Instagrammed a photo of her night out on purpose to make me feel bad about not going with her.
7) Labeling and mislabeling: defining one’s identity on the basis of mistakes. My brother, under pressure, lied about eating cookies from the cookie jar. I will now forever consider him a liar and a thief and refuse to trust him.
8) Tunnel vision: only seeing what fits your current state of mind. I don’t care how desperate her situation was. You helped her and I forbade you from talking to her!
9) Biased explanation: automatically assuming a negative motivation. The only reason why you would do this for me is for self-promotion. You’re just trying to network and use me.
10) Mind reading: knowing what another is thinking without communicating about it. I know what you’re thinking– you’re going to tell me that you’re hurt and it’s all my fault. Well let me tell you…
Do any of these thoughts and expressions sound familiar to you? How do you usually resolve arguments with friends, family and significant others? I’d love to know!
That is fantastic Holly! So mature of you both and definitely the secret to building a strong and lasting relationship! 🙂
Great points. I never, ever argue with my boyfriend – we haven’t argued in the three years we have been together! For the little irksome details we target set for each other at New Year, e.g. this new year could you pick up your socks. For bigger things we will say ‘I think we need to discuss (example) how we are both dealing with the dog as there are inconsistencies. Then we will arrange a time to discuss it when we are both calm and I think that this is the secret to our relationship!!
Thank you! I’m really glad this resonated with you. There are so many things we do during arguments that are not productive.
You made some really good points. My husband and I used to fight a lot about 3-6 months into our relationship and we definitely had to learn to be more reasonable when fighting.
Aw thanks Sarah! Oh and yes– that sounds like it could be a challenge!! We’re often told, “you can’t change your spouse, but you can change yourself.” It’s quite true– relationships are all about adapting 😉 Hope the dish situation gets worked out, that drives me crazy too!
Thank you so much Erin! 🙂 I always enjoy your thoughtful comments– so glad you could relate. I make these mistakes pretty often, and am trying to grow out of them. Hope you’re having a lovely weekend!
These are GREATTTT I really need to remember this. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together (even though we practically had lived together for a year+ before) and it’s become very clear that the whole super clean girlfriend/preoccupied with Call of Duty boyfriend is an interesting mix. I definitely need to keep these things in mind when I come home to dirty dishes in the sink. Sigh. Haha.
– Sarah 🙂
http://www.thecrownbijoux.blogspot.com
Such a needed post for just about anyone! #1….Oh man. It’s so easy to do! We like to think we know exactly what the other “means,” when in fact, we are often wrong. Ooooo Overgeneralization…. Good one. So easy to do also. I am the queen of #6. So touchy! Tunnel vision…These are all so true and we all do them. Thanks for the call out today girl! 😉
xo Erin
http://www.winkandatwirl.com
Thank you so much, Robyn! So glad you can relate 🙂
Thanks so much Katherine! So glad you can relate. And that’s exactly what it is– sometimes it’s important to discuss something, but also to avoid these pitfalls that make the conversation worse!
Thanks Laura 🙂
Thank you so much Cara! Yes, taking a quick break to cool off is such a wise decision. So glad you can relate 🙂
Thank you so much Marta! And you’re right, we can’t argue and win about everything, and being comfortable with imperfection is important in a relationship. What I always tell myself is that as long as we are making progress, I can be grateful!
So glad you can relate! That’s exactly what they are– pitfalls– and in the end they make us weaker and the argument less productive. Thanks for stopping by!
Oh absolutely!! And it’s great that you learned about this in class– it’s so important to have more efficient discussions (and spend more time doing something else together instead of fighting)! So awesome that you majored in psych, Deniz! My husband did as well 🙂
Aw thank you so much Anastasia! So glad you can relate, I was amazed when I saw this list for the first time.. guilty as charged! Thank you so much for your encouragement, friend 🙂
Thanks Brooke! And yes, magnification is so easy to do without even realizing it. But it’s wonderful that your mom was able to model steadiness to you– not something a lot of people experience growing up.
Thank you Neive– so glad you can relate! 🙂 It was so helpful when I saw this list for the first time and realized that these things are really quite unhelpful! xo
Thanks Maggie, hope it’s helpful 🙂
Haha thanks Heidi 🙂
Oh yes, role-playing in our minds is never fun! So glad you can relate, Corinne! x
Thans Shauna! I’m so glad to hear that 🙂
Hahahah you’re hilarious! It’s so hard to not take things like that personally, even if it’s just a remark they didn’t think twice about.
Ooh yes. Apologizing first is one of those decisions that we make usually against our emotions… and it can have a great calming effect. And you’re right, both sides usually have a reason to apologize, and most certainly a need for empathy. Love your thoughts, Becca– thanks for sharing them!
Thank you so much Alison! And it’s so true, when confrontation is handled in these ways, it’s usually pretty terrible! And haha, we like that photo 🙂 Thank you for reading, friend!
So glad you can relate, Jana! 🙂
Exactly! These things can only make arguments worse. Thanks so much for stopping by Arica 🙂
Thanks Hayley! So glad you can relate, because these are all in my “arsenal” when I’m being unkind during an argument. It’s time to put them away… we’re all working on it! 🙂
Thanks Rachel! Yeah, staying away from absolutes is so important even when it feels so real. Glad you figured out how to get along with your sisters! It’s fascinating to me to see how siblings do it (I don’t have any).
Thanks Michaela 🙂 I really appreciate you stopping by!
That’s so funny! Well that’s definitely one way to go… I tend to be the one who explodes while my husband remains calm and kind… haha
Haha me too!!! Sometimes I yell at my husband and say something like “You ALWAYS do this.” And he just says, “okay. I’m sorry.” Obviously he has the greater emotional intelligence between the two of us. So good to hear that you’re thinking before speaking though– that’s always a challenge for me 🙂
Haha so glad you can relate! And yes, confrontation is hard– because we do it when we’re angry it’s not good… and it almost always guarantees that we’ll makes someone mad. Thanks for stopping by, friend!
Yes, in the emotion of the moment I can’t always rely on speaking kind truth either. And I love how you start conversations like that– it makes it a much less intimidating moment 🙂
Thanks Kristin 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Ah yes, yes. I totally do that too. It’s really hard for me to step out of the emotion of the moment and speak what I know I should… working on it!
So glad to hear that. Hope it helps 🙂
Glad to hear I’m not the only one! Thanks Joanna 🙂
So true! Definitely some helpful tips there (aren’t we all guilty of this one time or another?!)
Robyn
http://www.thetechgypsy.com
I feel like I’m guilty of doing most of those things!! Thank you for sharing this post and making me realize that some arguments are just unnecessary!
Katherine Lou
http://www.wanderhour.com
Guilty of this, Great post
xo
http://www.laurajaneatelier.com
Guilty of so many of these, and I tend to walk away for a few minutes if I find myself getting too frustrated. I love the honesty in this post.
xx Cara
http://www.carascliche.com
What a great post, I’m for sure guilty of some of these, especially thinking I’m a mind reader 🙁
What I’ve really learned with my boyfriend is to choose my battles: it’s not really worth arguing sometimes over insignificant little things.
Lovely post and lovely blog!
xx
Marta
http://www.paradiseplayground.blogspot.com
I’m definitely guilty of many of these, and I tend to be a bit of an arguer. I should work harder at avoiding these pitfalls and only discussing things that actually matter.
Chic on the Cheap
This is so accurate. I majored in Psychology and I learned about some of these in class over the course of four years. When you pay attention to avoid certain remarks during an argument, not only everything gets resolved much quicker, but also you get a more targeted/efficient discussion.
– Deniz
http://www.dressedupdeniz.com
Nice post
New post in
http://Www.miharujulie.com
I absolutely LOVE that you wrote this – and I can honestly say that I think I’ve made 100% of those mistakes at some point. But the important thing is to learn from it, and I think most people can learn a lot from this article!
You are awesome! <3 xx
Oh boy am I guilty of magnification. Luckily, my mom has always been a very even keel, look at both sides kind of person, so she has been keeping me in check for as long as I can remember. Still, definitely something I need to work on. Great post Daisy!
Brooke
pumpsandpushups.com
Oh man I pretty much do all of these unfortunatly!! Thanks for bringing this into light and giving me another perspective!
Neive xo
theaussieosborns.blogspot.com
What a great post!! I think I need to bookmark this page! 🙂
Maggie
http://www.PolishedClosets.com
This is such a great post! I need to print and hang on my fridge:)
Heidi D.
http://www.wishesandreality.com
I do a lot of this too.
Another thing I do is have arguments with people in my head and get really worked up about it, giving what they say and what I would say back. It drives me mad!
Corinne x
http://www.skinnedcartree.com
I sooo needed to read this today, so thank you 🙂 All really good points to remember. And I have to say, that is the best picture ever 🙂 -xo
Shauna
http://www.lipglossandlace.net
Ditto on all these, especially on no. 4. However, I would have told the guest to shove the pie up his no-no hole, maybe that’s why I don’t have guests over that much. LOL!
Reflection of Sanity
Breaking it down logically. I like it. I’m very guilty of seeing things as black and white… But what helps me in an argument is apologizing first (if I get the opportunity to), whether that’s because I misunderstood, overreacted, or did something else wrong. It seems to cool down both tempers and allow for a more open line of communication. I think a lot of people see saying sorry as admitting that they’re completely wrong, or weak, and that’s not the case. In most arguments, both parties are somehow at fault.
Such a well-thought out post that rings true with the difference in how some people handle confrontation and how some SHOULD handle confrontation! Also, love how you added a little comical spin to it. 😉 Sometimes the best remedy is to laugh about it, right? Great post, Daisy! Xo, Alison
http://www.simplyfairbyalisonjeanine.com
I’ve been guilty of a lot of these, and boy do they just make things worse! Thanks for sharing this.
haha I love this! It is so true that we all end up doing these things during arguments and it ends up being worse than it needs to be!
Arica, xxo
http://www.varnakandlollies.com
First, I LOVE that picture haha. Second, I am so bad at doing all of these. I will definitely admit that I have a terrible temper and can sometimes lash out in ways I regret. These are great reminders and I the fact that you can notice when you are doing each of those says a lot about you! Great post!
Very wonderful post, thank you for sharing! Growing up with two sisters about the same age arguments are no stranger. Thankfully we mostly get along, and when we don’t my mom has taught us things to avoid in arguments, much like these points. As an example when someone has a repeated action that’s extremely painful I would say “most of the time you….” instead of saying “you always”. Instead of saying “you feel….” I say “and these actions make me feel as if you don’t care.” Those are the two things that mainly stick out for me; not assuming how the other person feels and not to use absolutes.
Again, wonderful! <3
This is so perfect and spot on! And I love the picture!
xo
Michaela
http://michaelajeanblog.com
Haha love that picture!! These all so great! Luckily my husband and I rarely argue! I think it’s just because he always let’s me win haha!
<3 Shannon
Upbeatsoles.blogspot.com
Yes. Yes. A hundred times yes. In my case, I am usually the “problem” when we bicker. Joshua is so mellow and I am high strong with a side of basket case. I too have come home to a full trash can and immediately start getting mad at him, accusing him of “never” doing anything. While I simply forget all of the times I’ve come home to a spotless living room and dinner on the table. I blame our hormones haha. We simply speak and accuse before thinking, “oh they just forgot.” It’s a flaw of the female mind. However, lately I have been extra sensitive, and think a ton before I speak. It’s doing wonders for our relationship.
http://accordingtokiki123.blogspot.com/
Oh my gosh, aren’t we all guilty of all of this?! My problem is that I don’t like to argue, so it takes forever for me to bring it up with someone and they’ve forgotten what they’ve done or said. I’m awful at expressing my emotions, but I’m working on it!
http://breebiancahill.com
I am guilty of all these in some form or fashion. I try to stop and actually think before I speak and react but sometimes my anger gets the best of me and I just end up looking ridiculous. In resolving arguments, I try to start the conversation with something lighthearted like poking fun at myself for acting so irrationally. Also–your picture is adorable! 🙂
I’m definitely guilty of more than one of these… This is such a good reminder, thank you for sharing!
I’m pretty guilty of all but #2 and #10 especially. I also tend to get freaked out and overreact when someone’s tone doesn’t match what they’re saying, or when their phrasing is ambiguous or passive aggressive. I’m pretty bad at resolving arguments. If I think I’ve been wronged, I’ll keep going until they see my side – not really the best thing to do. If I think I’ve wronged someone, I usually just let them talk at me until I can collect my thoughts and explain things. I’m really not a good participant either way!
Oh yeah girl. These are all really common things. Thanks for the reminder.
I’ve totally been guilty of a few of these as well (taking things out of context, blowing everything out of proportion.. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this! PS you and your husband are adorable.
lovejoanna.com