We are now a culture obsessed with authenticity.
We’ve donned a peevish perspective on social media, on networking, on new friendships– basically on anything that might not feel “real” enough to us. We expect everyone to divulge everything.
Authenticity is a good thing (at least, it used to be). The notion that I can be honest about my emotions, my progress, my struggles, and my opinions is a freedom I’ll continue to cherish.
But this trend of being authentic– of chasing some imaginary level of authenticity– is a tiresome game. I’m wary of its pushy nature, because it’s starting to look a lot like any other attention-mongering scheme.
Authenticity has become what we expect; and what we expect is to be shocked. We love confessions. We love peering behind the curtain to see the “real deal.”
In other words, authenticity is no longer pure. It’s fraught with expectations, pressures, and a strangely insecure self-confidence that seems to be throwing wisdom to the winds.
Authenticity becomes disastrous…
When I feel the need to know everything.
Perhaps our hunger for this bare-all authenticity is due to the fact that we already know too much about people we don’t know at all. One of the reasons why I stay away from celebrity gossip is that the idea, when we really think about it, is kind of ridiculous. Why do we feel that need to know everything about someone’s life? Why do we become angry when they don’t divulge it?
I’m becoming more and more comfortable with not knowing everything— even about the people I love. Instead I seek to be sensitive, to read their behavior and to listen well. What I lack in information I can more than make up for by being observant and compassionate.
When I feel the need to divulge everything.
We all need people in our lives to whom we can speak our minds, share our hearts, and feel safe and supported while doing it. But we don’t all need a public platform to do so– nor should we seek that.
Finding emotional refuge in the presence of loved ones is far different from the kind of social media authenticity that is so in vogue today. I believe that all media is highly edited and perhaps should stay that way– so that we can remember to be transparent with the people we actually do life with.
When I no longer care about the impact I’m having.
“I’m just being myself” is often an excuse for behavior that is hurtful, counterproductive, or simply unwise. It’s easy to say such things in the name of authenticity– when the posture underneath is one of complacency.
There’s this strange idea that if everyone would just be themselves, then the world would be a better place. But there have been countless moments when I could have chosen to recklessly be myself– but instead chose to be kinder, more compassionate, more forgiving. I don’t regret those moments when I chose not to be completely myself, but rather to reach for higher standards than what felt natural.
When I stop seeking wisdom from people I trust.
Authenticity leads to disaster when I stop desiring to grow and improve. One moment of raw emotion is genuine at first, but quickly spirals into maybe this is who I am.
I choose to be careful with authenticity because I don’t want to be stuck. I want the people around me to challenge me, to speak into my flaws, and foster changes in my life and my hurt. I don’t want them to look upon my imperfection and think that’s the way I’ll always be. And if most of us are honest, we all desire to be better people in the future than we are now.
When I begin to doubt the honesty of people I love.
Authenticity, which has the potential of bringing people closer to each other, can also have the opposite effect. Seeking impossible standards of authenticity in our friends can make them seem disingenuous to us. Becoming angry at our loved ones for not being sufficiently authentic can ruin our relationships with them– before they’re able to feel safe enough to be more vulnerable.
The search for authenticity by today’s standards can set into motion a perpetual cycle of disappointment. If we can lay aside our idea of what authenticity should look like, and embrace where people are in their self-awareness, then our relationships can be freed from that added pressure on our behavior.
How to use authenticity well
We should be genuine. We should be vulnerable. But there’s no reason to use our desire for those good things to excuse our behavior or to push people away. And it certainly is the wrong way to bring important issues to light; we should instead spell out our true desires and motives, rather than masking them under the blanket of authenticity.
Let’s make authenticity pure again. Let’s not use it as an impossible standard by which to get attention, to punish our friends, or to behave in ways that negatively affect other people. Let’s be humble and strive towards good things. Let’s be honest in that journey, too.
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Thank you Autumn! I think I’ve been in those types of conversations as well– authenticity is such a trendy concept but so few seem to think deeply about what it does (or doesn’t) entail. Thanks for reading! 🙂
I love this post! I remember having a conversation with someone I just met and they said the word authentic about 5 times. It made me become aware of how often it is used and realize that maybe that might make it less so sometimes. Thanks for this great post!
Thank you so much Emma! I really appreciate your comment. There certainly is a trend going on– and though I think it has the best of intentions, can is so easily misconstrued.
Thank you, Jordan!
Thank you Summer!! I appreciate that! Yes– authenticity at its purest is definitely a good thing. I’m glad you’re passionate about it; we need people like you to bring that fruitful genuineness and vulnerability to the table.
Wow. This was so powerful! I just stumbled across your blog after this post was shared on Coffee With Summer and I loved everything about this. You’re so right; I’ve only started to become really passionate about authenticity and I can already see how I’m getting caught up in the ‘trend’ of it. It’s definitely important to remember fully what being authentic means xxx
This is such a great post! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful words xo
What a great post to get us back to the heart of true authenticity. I really enjoyed this post, Daisy! I am so torn, because I have been passionate about authenticity for years now – so I’m glad it’s being more accepted, but I’m also troubled because people are ruining the true meaning of it.
You’ve inspired me to open up about this in a post soon. Hopefully before the holidays and if I do, I’m referencing your post!
I really enjoyed this… I love being vulnerable and real, but when people use “I’m just being honest” as an excuse to be hurtful, I get frustrated.
Thank you Beth, I appreciate that! You’re exactly right- we attach a certain notion to authenticity that maybe shouldn’t be there.
Thank you, Alyssa!! I’m glad you can relate to that… sometimes I’ve pushed people further than I’ve needed to.
I enjoyed this so much. Thank you for sharing! I’m finding more and more that being “authentic” doesn’t necessarily mean being genuine because what some people think is authentic isn’t really who they are.
Yes, Daisy! I love the point you made about desiring authenticity from your friends and family to an extent that can be damaging. I can relate to that in my life and will have to reevaluate my expectations. Grat post!
Thank you, Anna! You’re right– especially in the realm of blogging this issue becomes interesting. I think it’s up to people what they think is worth sharing, but not everything that’s been shared has been constructive, useful, or beautiful to readers. I’m a huge supporter of curated content that is driven by purpose, even if that can mean different things to different people!
Thank you Heather! I really appreciate your thoughts here. I struggle with the same thing– the balance between sharing in a moment of raw emotion and vulnerability, and sharing after the fact, all cleaned up. I think with our closest friends and companions (especially in the church), there’s a need for that genuine moment of confession. But it’s different when we feel pushed to offer massive displays of the minutiae of everyday life!
Thank you for leading, Lauren!
Thank you, Emily! Yes, exactly– the word authenticity has come to mean the bare naked, unhindered, unaltered, and perhaps inconsiderate state of a person…. not the best foot forward, and certainly not always a step toward vulnerability either!
Haha yes! The types of shares about minute details are very strange to me… but people seem to expect that now.
Thank you for reading, Hannah! And yes, I know what you’re talking about– we’re so used to getting every nitty gritty detail on TV and we’re applying that attitude towards our lives. There’s something to be said for discretion– and for giving people the space to feel safe before they share everything.
Thank you Jessica! 🙂
Thank you Tawni for reading!!
Oh, this was so good. Thank you for sharing this.
xotawni
loved this, thanks for sharing!!
I agree with you. I know this is an unextraordinary example, but on certain TV shows I watch there is continually a ton of anger toward people who don’t tell all. They’re not necessarily lying, just withholding information — information which, in some cases, might be more intelligent to keep back. I think there is value in keeping some knowledge to ourselves.
Dance A Real
Well said, Daisy! I find myself frustrated with people on social media who feel the need to express everything that happens in their daily life on the internet. Didn’t get pickles on their hamburger? Facebook post. Waited forever at the DMV. Facebook rant. Someone dies/gets married/has a baby? It is a race to be the first one to share the news and I just don’t understand it.
What an excellent post! I totally agree. This is such a prevalent topic, and I have seen so many people misuse the word “authenticity”, and attach to it a belief that is completely flawed–and sometimes even the opposite of honesty.
I really appreciate you bringing this subject to the surface, and I will be sharing it with my audience. Thank you.
This is so true, I’d never thought about it before. Thank you for highlighting such an important issue x
http://www.wonkylauren.com
Interesting article, Daisy! I’ve always sought to be honest in my blog about my struggles, mainly because I don’t want to paint the picture that travel is going to be your magical solution to happiness. But there is still plenty of personal stuff that I keep to myself, and I think it should be that way. I agree with you that I don’t care to know everything about my friends’ lives, so in the same way, readers won’t want to know everything about a blogger’s.
This is so good! A couple of other thoughts on how I’ve seen the temptation to “use” authenticity wrong in my own life…
I find it a lot easier to be authentic about things/feelings/choices that have already passed and that I have already learned from. I tend to use talking about those things authentically to take attention away from things I haven’t figured out yet.
I also sometimes feel pressure to make things seem worse than they are or to not acknowledge when I am doing well or am feeling good about myself, because of how we expect authentic people are going to delve super deep and have some really “significant” things to talk about. I need to remember that exaggerating things in the name of authenticity is not authenticity at all.