You have probably heard of the 5 love languages, often used in reference to romantic relationships. The idea is this: if you know that your partner expresses and receives love in a certain way, then it will help you better demonstrate love to her/him, and receive her/his love in return. And knowing our own love language helps us communicate our needs more clearly and effectively so that our partners can love us better.
But what about friendship? Can knowing someone’s love language help us be a better friend? Absolutely! I’ve learned over the years that it’s not only my husband whom I need to pay attention to and read better; I need to listen to my friends’ needs, desires, and preferred channels of affection. That way, we can offer each other better support, feel more connected, and grow our relationship.
Here are the 5 love languages:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Acts of service
Physical touch
Gifts
An example
One of my college room mates used to write little notes for me and stick them on my door. She was an artist, so she drew these amazing doodles along with her words of encouragement. I loved receiving these, especially when I’d had a long day and didn’t get a chance to chat with her. Being reminded that I was cared for was something that got me through some of the most difficult seasons (literally, when it was winter for 6 months).
But it wasn’t a year before it finally dawned on me to return the favor. Seriously. I was cluelessly enjoying her small kind efforts without thinking about whether these words of affirmation were a channel to her heart as well.
Eventually, I started writing little notes to her when I thought of it. I even bought a pretty notepad to remind myself to do it. And I saw our friendship grow that much deeper because of it.
In the meantime, my room mate found out that gift-giving was a huge part of my upbringing. Gifts are still really important to me (almost to a fault), and I sometimes plan out gifts a month in advance so that they are perfect. Over the years, I watched her become more and more creative in the ways she selected gifts for me. And it made me feel special and understood!
My college room mate buttons up my wedding dress!
So this is how to be a better friend…
Ask your good friends what their love languages are. When they share with you, it might be quite obvious because they themselves show affection that way. Or, you might be surprised!
Look for little ways to love them in their language if you don’t already. Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone in how you show love is a great way to grow as a person. I know it sounds corny– but take me for example! While I love to write heartfelt notes and cards, I don’t often affirm people when I speak. It’s something I’m learning to do, and I love to think that it’s making me a more enjoyable person to be around.
Share about the ways you feel most loved. Your friends and loved ones do want you to know that they care for you– and they’ll be happy to learn how best to do it!
What is your love language and how do you use it to love others? I’d like to know!
I’m totally a Words of Affirmation person, followed by Quality Time. When people encourage me (genuinely), it means more than I can say.
I think the main ways I show love to others are 1) Quality Time and 2) Gifts. I, too, take incredible amounts of time deciding on the perfect gift. (I still haven’t finished Christmas shopping for that reason.)
This is really a wonderful piece. I am encouraged and would start looking out for the signs
I love this! We often overlook our friendships and take them for granted. This is great!
Thanks Rachel! I’m so glad you enjoyed reading this:) And that’s a great idea– I was actually inspired to write this when a friend specifically asked me what my love language was! It’s a good reminder to be intentional in all our relationships.
Wonderful post! I find the love languages helpful as well, and purchased the single edition to help my sisters and I grow closer together. You have inspired me though to send this post to my bestie and ask her what her love language is. Thank you for sharing!
Exactly! I’ve realized how important it is to never take a growing friendship for granted– and you’re right, it takes caring and nurturing:) Thanks so much for reading, Anastasia!
Thank you Kerrie!! I love knowing that there are always ways to be a better friend than I am right now. Thanks so much for stopping by:)
This is such a beautiful post – I think sometimes we all need a reminder of how we can be more caring to the people in our lives. We get so wrapped up in our own lives and our own problems that sometimes we forget that our friends are relationships too, and just like a plant they need caring for and nurturing to thrive. This is a great reminder of that 🙂
xx AnastasiaAmour
http://www.anastasiaamour.com
Beautiful photos – and such a sweet post too, I really enjoyed this book when I was reading it but never actually thought about applying it to my friendships!
K.xo
http://www.rarelytakenseriously.com/
Such a good blog post and I never thought about this for my friendship. Thanks for sharing!
If you have a second I would love to hear your thoughts on my most recent blog post. XXOO
http://www.kissthechic.com
wooooow! beautiful post babe! so sweet
xx
isa
© Paradise Edition
http://www.un-likely.com
I have never thought about it. Thanks a lot. I guess I would be a better friend.
http://thinkworkandgo.blogspot.com/
Wow beautiful photos! These are so true also! 🙂
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Aww thank you! So glad you’ve stopped by:)
I really enjoyed this table!
xo
http://www.laurajaneatelier.com
That’s so thoughtful, Bree! As a strong gift-giver, I know I can put a lot of pressure on friends who want to give me something special. It takes time to figure out how to “speak” each of these love languages. Sometimes I’m just awful at taking the initiative to perform acts of service– but I’ll do anything I’m asked to do. We’re all working on something!:)
Thanks so much Brittney! So glad you found it interesting:)
Thanks Amy– and good to know that about you! Words of affirmation can be so wonderful, especially when they’re timely and sincere:)
it’s been so helpful learning about love languages, and I’ve been working to love more holistically by trying to be all five and feeling loved by all five instead of limiting it!
http://heyprettything.com
What a sweet, beautiful post and yes, I completely agree with you. You look absolutely gorgeous on your wedding day, what beautiful pictures. xx
Reflection of Sanity
So true! And your hair is gorgeous!
Stop by my blog sometime 😀
http://thejoifullife.com/
This is the first blog post I’ve read by you and it was awesome! Definitely book marking your site 🙂
Lovely post! Everything ou say is really true
http://chicadventureit.com/
I’m in love with this post!! The 5 love languages are so important, but I never thought to incorporate them into my friendships! This reminder couldn’t have come at a better time!!! I LOVE your blog!!!! 😉
What a darling post! I love the 5 love languages…but never really thought about them as they pertain to friendships. What a great reminder!! 🙂
xo Erin
http://www.winkandatwirl.com
I discovered the love languages in college and it has really changed my friendships. One of my best friends’ love languages is gifts, but that is something I struggle with. I am awful at giving gifts and I’m awkward when I receive them. But since I know it’s something that makes her feel loved, I will periodically give her little things that I find out and about that she would like and it really has made us closer.
Catering to love languages shows that you care about someone and that’s the cornerstone of any relationship – platonic or romantic.
Living in NYC with Bree
http://breebiancahill.com
Excellent post!
Mel
http://girlandthepolkadot.blogspot.com/
what an awesome post! great insight on the importance of friends in our lives.
xo, carli
http://www.puppiesandpolkadots.com
Love love this post. What a great reminder! Really enjoying your blog:)
Heidi D.
http://www.wishesandreality.com
Wow! This is so true… friendship is one of the best things that can happen ever!
Kisses from Miami,
Borka
http://www.chicfashionworld.com
This is a great idea! I’ve never thought to apply the love languages to my friendships, but I can see how that would make a huge difference in how we express affection even in platonic ways.
Another Beautiful Thing
I LOVE this post Daisy!
Love languages are incredible important for friendship!
Thanks for the good reminder to remember to seek out people and to be intentional with knowing how they like to be loved!
Mine is Words of Affirmation. Sweet compliments, handwritten notes, or intentional comments on my blog/instagram totally make me feel loved!
Megan, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I wonder if others have implemented these ideas into the workplace or ministry settings. It could be super effective:)
Fascinating that you learned about it in class! There is so much dimension to the way we give and receive affection. Thanks for your thoughts, Natalie!
Thanks for the thought Ashley! It has helped me tremendously to think about how everyone around me receives love:)
Thanks Nicole! Glad to hear it:)
Thanks! And theoretically they apply to everyone, but perhaps some folks don’t identify as strongly with one language or another:) I think my husband is still trying to figure out which one is his preferred method– though he’s really quick to serve, so I always thought it was acts of service!
Thank you Kelsey! And yes, it definitely helps us communicate more effectively with others:)
Thanks Charity! That sounds like an amazing class that your sister taught. I’m so glad that people are learning about this; it’s not a comprehensive way to know someone but it definitely helps:)
Thank you Madison!! Yes, that’s absolutely true that people express love the way they like to receive it– but sometimes I forget to pay attention and need the reminder to listen and observe well.:)
Yes! this is so great. when i meet people i make it a point to get to know their love language! also, i made my worship team take the test and it seriously has transformed them, just being aware of people’s love languages.
I love this, Daisy! Love languages are kind of my thing and I love this advice for applying them to your friendships as well. It’s usually true that people act our their love languages, so it’s usually easy to tell what speaks love to them most by the way they express it to others!
Daisy! You have no idea how much I love this post! My sister actually taught a 6 week series on the Five Love Languages for Singles at our church and it totally changed the relationships and dynamics of those in the group. When you realize what your love language is, and learn that it’s important to love others outside of your own love language: lifechanging!
this is such a great/cute post! I really love this! I think its good to be aware and speak to other how it means the most to them!
Love this post! Great thoughts and insights on the importance of friendship and the love languages. I took a Human Sexuality class last semester and we talked about the love languages and I really think that everyone should learn more about them!
Very interesting….I feel like these apply to women but maybe not men.
http://www.DressesandDenim.com
So interesting.. I definitely agree that we have many, many different love languages!
Thanks for your sweet post on my blog about teaching.. it really helped!
xo ClassToCloset
Great Post! Follow each other on GFC, Google+ and Bloglovin? If yes, follow me and i follow back as soon as i see it. Let me know with a comment on my Blog
Keep in Touch xx Rabea from germany
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So, so true- we hear about love languages all the time re: our boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, and husbands- but friends + fam count, too! 🙂
-Ashley
Le Stylo Rouge