Me: Hi, I’m Daisy.
New Friend: Hi! I’m John. Nice to meet you.
Me: Nice to meet you as well!
John: So, what do you do?
Me: I’m a private educator. What about you?
Sound familiar? One of the very first things we tend to ask people when we meet them is, what do you do?
And understandably so. Theoretically, everyone does something.
But so often the spirit of that question is more evaluative than it appears. It’s not seeking to know what one does for fun, or what one does on vacation, or even what one enjoys reading or watching.
The question, in so many contexts, is intended to evaluate a person’s professional, educational, or even financial worth. What is your role in society? Are you important?
As a result, What is your occupation? often leads to either an enthusiastic “I’m a (blank)!!” or a reticent “I’m just a (blank).”
But, other than a good fallback question during an awkward conversation, it is easy to tell that this question does not do much more for us. If someone gives you an answer, what do you say next? Does it really tell you a lot more about them? Usually not.
Exhibit A. Someone might tell you they’re a technician. But have you met more than one technician? I have, and they’re completely different people and probably wouldn’t even like each other. Case in point.
I think that there can be a lot of pressure on women and men age 22 to 65 to have a good answer for this question. And not just for cocktail parties or lulls in conversation, however; some of us feel the need to answer this question for our own sense of confidence.
I used to believe that I needed a full-time 8AM-5PM (or 8AM-8PM) job to call myself a real adult.
More specifically, what I meant by that was this: I needed to be indispensable to a larger organization in order to feel good about myself. To pass my own metric of what it means to be a “productive, useful person.”
Talk about an ego crutch for me: if I must report at a certain time and am financially compensated by some larger cohort of individuals, then I must be doing well in life.
And our resulting societal assumption: if this person has a more/less intense, well-paying or unachievable job than I do, then they must be more/less important than I am. Which is all that matters.
But as soon as we look around at friends, neighbors, and family members, we know that this is not true. We know so many people whose careers are more about literal breadwinning than about passion or personality. We know so many people who hate their jobs. So many who, if they were fearless and well-resourced, would do something quite different from their current occupation.
We also know that careers can change in the blink of an eye.
And yet we keep asking. Perhaps in conversations, there aren’t many other choices than “What do you do?”, just as we don’t really think when we say “How are you? Fine.”
But is this the conversation we have with ourselves everyday? What makes me important? Does my job boost my self-esteem?
Being redefined: It’s not all about your career
I’d like to propose several ways to redefine ourselves– if not at a meet-and-greet, then at least in our own minds.
1) We are defined by what we do in our free time. Think about it: your job might be obligatory, but what you do during time off (assuming you have any) is completely up to you. Therefore, it can be a stronger reflection of who you are. Spending time with friends and family, exercising and cooking for your health, serving the community, or pursuing a fun interest are all things that can say a lot more about you than your job.
2) We are defined by our wildest dreams. Our dreams are made of our very deepest desires. And often, those desires are quite unique. Perhaps our desire is to assume a position of influence. Or, we desire to be of service to the most destitute. We might desire to create and express what others feel but cannot put into words. Our deep desires have great influence over who we are.
3) We are defined by what we cherish most. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” So what moves you? What convicts you? It may not be your job, but perhaps it is your understanding of your place in the world, or what you put as #1 before everything else in your daily life. That one thing.
Have you ever defined yourself solely by your occupation? What are other ways that you define yourself?
Thank you for this reminder. I resonate so much with this, and am so much happier defining myself with my free time, it just makes more sense at getting a good look at a person. It can just become a bit of a struggle remembering that when you are attempting to make your career your priority for the sake of the years of sweat, blood and schooling it took to get there. Definitely makes you reflect.
Thanks again,
Ashleigh | Mermaid on the Move
I love this! I am definitely guilty of defining myself and others through what I (and they) do for a living. I don’t even like my job! I also agree wholeheartedly with your alternate ways of defining ourselves.
I love this post so much Daisy!! I know I always ask people what they do because I’m awkward in social situations and don’t know what else to talk about, heh. But most of the time, I don’t even care and don’t want to talk about work. But k also know that when I had a job, I was proud to say that I was an engineer when asked. And now that I’m just traveling, I don’t know what say and just go like “oh, nothing. I just travel.” But I know not having a job doesn’t define me and doesn’t make me less worthy. I would prefer to be defined by all the experiences I’ve had in life!! Love this! x
Yes you are, dear friend! So many “housewives” I know do such cool things in the little free time they have, it’s hard to keep up! That’s why I love asking people what their interests and hobbies are, you learn so much!
I find my self so much saying “i’m just a housewife” and letting that define me. But I’m so much more then that! I’m creative, a writer, a photographer. And not to mention being a mom is way harder then I ever though! This is such a great post!!
Thank you Amanda! That means a lot to me 🙂 Yes, people have lots of different relationships with their jobs, and we should remember that!
Great post! It is a topic that I myself frequently wonder why that is one of the first questions that people ask me! Never what is your favorite thing in the world to do or what my favorite activity is! A job is a job and yes for some people their life revolves around their job but not for all of us!!! Thanks for sharing, loved this post!
Thank you so much Holly! Your professor has some good insight too. Having a real conversation takes a lot of effort but is so worth it!
Thank you Anna, that’s so kind of you! I don’t think it’s always a bad thing to ask people what they do, but I try to keep other questions in mind just in case it’s a dead-end!
I really love this post! I remember, my sophomore year in college, my professor told us, “there is absolutely no need for someone to know “what you are” other than to put you in a box. He was referring to race and the fact that his accent and his skin color didn’t really match lol but this it always stuck with me. We can give a one-word answer to what we do and the person asking will still have no clue who we are, so true. I always like telling people I’m a follower of Christ though 😉 Great post.
Oh this was so good to be reminded of! I’m totally guilty of first asking what someone does (mostly because I don’t know what else to say!), but it’s so important to remember that they aren’t defined by that! Thank you for this–so well written and so, so insightful!
Thanks Rachel! And yes, I’m not offended when people ask, because it can be a very useful question to get a conversation started!
Thank you Brandy! You are so kind, and thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I love the question– “so tell me about your life”– I’ll definitely keep that in my pocket!
Thank you so much Angie! (and so sorry for the late response) I so appreciate you stopping by!
Thank you Monica!! (and sorry this response is so late) I really appreciate you stopping by 🙂
Thank you for sharing! Some really good points about that question. I still think it can be a useful question, but I don’t base my opinion or a person’s worth off of it. I like to use it as a starting point, because then you can ask them if they like their job, what they appreciate about it, and what goes into that field of work. I find it fascinating to learn what different jobs entail.
Oh I love this so so much! 🙂 I have always struggled with this question. I left my plans of becoming a nurse (and eventually doctor) 1 year shy of my degree to pursue a ministry internship that God tossed in my lap. After resettling to doing that part time and nannying part time, I had to give it all up due to a shoulder injury from a car accident. I’ve come to love being a stay home wife who blogs, has a craft shop, sells Mary Kay, helps homeschooling families, and does babysitting on the side. When people ask me what I do I feel like I have a 10 minute answer. But I love life the way it is. Here’s the question I always ask people when I meet them…. “So tell me about your life?” My friends joke about it being my line but it’s so open ended and tells me the answer to those main questions in life.
This is so good! I cringe when I hear myself asking people this question, but yet I still do it! I think I feel intrusive if I ask them right away about their passions or something:(. I’ll keep working on a good alternative ice breaker!
Well said! It’s okay to be excited and proud of what you do for a living, but it shouldn’t never be the thing that defines you.
I’m really glad this resonated with you Rachel! It’s quite surprising to me that so many workers hate their jobs, and yet so many people still define themselves (and others) by their occupation. And so many people believe that the only way to be “ambitious” or to “work hard” is to report to a boss and get promoted. I’m learning to broaden my understanding of all of this, and I hope that others do too!
Oh man, I totally understand. Freelance is a mystery to tons of people, but there are so many jobs that can only be done freelance! I’m Asian too so I’m familiar with those expectations; thankfully, my relatives aren’t too judgmental…. but my dad has always thought that teaching isn’t a prestigious career unless you do it at the university level. So that’s something! But I”m really glad that your boyfriend is a dreamer too– it’s so important to partner with people who have similar visions and goals!
Thank you Juliana! I really appreciate you stopping by 🙂
Thanks Heidi!! 🙂
Thanks Jenna!! Yeah… It can be tough because “what do you do” is such a common question, often people don’t even think before they ask! I try to get at other questions like, “do you live around here” or “how long have you been coming here” or something like that! I usually hope people will tell a story 😉
I agree with you that what we do by choice, in our free time, defines us far better than a career may. I’ve definitely gotten lots of disapproving comments due to my lack of ‘career ambition’…but none have convinced me that the high-powered career life is the one for me. I love my current ESL teaching job, and it’s nice to be able to answer “I’m a teacher” to that ever-present question…but life isn’t about work, and that’s why I’m glad that I do have a job that feels (to me) like real life and not just an office that go to everyday.
Thanks so much Audrey, I’m really glad this resonated with you. And– you’re definitely not alone. I think there are lots of people in the same boat, and yet we expect to get so much out of the question “what do you do”. I hope people start asking more meaningful questions because we are truly so much more than our careers. Thanks for reading, friend!
Thank you Rachel! Yes, I totally feel that. It’s almost like people feel entitled to be disappointed in you if you’re not doing what they think you should. So untrue.
Thanks lady!! 🙂
So glad this resonated with you. And I totally understand where you’re coming from — some of our passions, we can’t really pursue as jobs. Sometimes you just have to volunteer! I hope that we all can have deeper conversations so that people’s true passions come to the surface. That’s much more interesting and edifying!
Thanks girl! Hahaha maybe one day 😉
That’s fabulous Gina. The value of what you’re doing is so much increased by the fact that it brings you (and others) great joy. And asking for stories is definitely a great way to get a conversation going!
Yeah– it’s kind of like when people say “how are you,” and you say something other than fine/good/great, and they realize they didn’t really want to know the answer. I think there is so much more to everyone I know than their jobs. Some people I know pretty well and I don’t even really know what their job is! haha.
Aw thank you Gina! Yes, I remember those questions– and even when people ask me what I’m up to now that I’ve graduated, I struggle to put it into a concise sentence. So I’m working through it too. Really glad this resonated with you, friend!
Thanks Brittany! I’m really glad this resonated with you. I myself have not had a crazy job like that yet, but I’ve had to wrestle with the internal pressure to get one. Weird right?! I’m so glad that you’ve discovered more balance and joy in doing things you love. I don’t think any of us will look back and regret not taking a job that threatened our well-being.
Thank you so much Ashley, you are so kind. 🙂 That means the world to me. God is good!
Thank you so much Christina! That means a lot to me.
We put so much pressure on our careers bringing us ultimate fulfillment… and while that does happen to some people, it’s not the only thing that defines someone. So glad this resonated with you!
Oh yes, people expect certain answers and it can be really tiresome, especially when you don’t have an answer that’s expected. Thanks for reading Hannah– so glad this resonated with you.
Thank you so much Kiki! And yes exactly– everyone is important, and even beyond their jobs, everyone matters! Love your perspective 🙂
Thank you Ann-Marie 🙂 I’m really glad this resonated with you. And yes, we are always more than what our occupations might involve, I’m so glad you’re willing to go deeper with your questions. Hopefully others will too!
Thank you Robin! So glad this resonated with you– and best of luck closing at this season with grace and joy!
So true Sheryl. There are so many good questions we can ask people beyond their current occupation. So glad this resonated with you!
Thanks girl! 🙂
Thanks so much Nabihah! I really appreciate that. oh yes, I remember being in college and having so many questions– especially towards the end, “what are you going to do next??” I’m so glad that this resonated with you. I’d love to know if people respond more happily to the question “what do you enjoy doing”. Let me know!
Love this post times a million! As a freelancer, I always feel as if I’m looked down upon whenever someone asks me what I do as a living. And the fact that I’m Asian, older relatives always look down on me as if I’m a failure for not having a career that they define as a successful (i.e. doctor, lawyer, analyst). Sure, I don’t have a traditional 9-5 but having a 9-5 job doesn’t define who I am. I’ve done that 9-5 grind before and sure enough, I was miserable. I’m so lucky that my boyfriend is so supportive of me doing what I love to do. Although I’m not completely there yet, I’m sure through time, determination, and hard work, I’ll get there one day. He himself is also following his dreams as a chef and again, I’m lucky that we’re both dreamers! Thanks for sharing this post Daisy!
Katherine Lou
http://www.wanderhour.com
Excellent post Daisy! Everything is so true and on point.
X, Juliana
http://www.julianaisaac.com
LOVE this! Especially the part about being defined by your wildest dreams!
Heidi
http://www.wishesandreality.com
LOVE this. My pastor touched on this exact topic a couple of years ago, and it has stayed with me. When I meet new people, I WANT to ask them instead “What are you passionate about?” Most of the time I go with “What do you do?” because i’m scared I’ll freak ’em out with the question I want to actually ask them.
Thank you for a new perspective. I am so guilty of defining myself based on my job. I don’t hate my job, but I’m not passionate about it. When people ask what I do I feel no pride in telling them about my job. Sometimes I consider myself a failure BECAUSE of my hum-drum job. This post is eye opening and so encouraging- thank you!
Thanks for this post Daisy! I hate the ‘what do you do’ question as I’m not yet in a career that I studied for at university. My answer often leads people to judge me as unintelligent and people are surprised when they discover I have a first class honours degree! I think we should be defined by our interests and dreams, like you said. After all, not everyone starts off in their dream job
Rachel xx
http://www.thedailyluxe.net
YES. Love this!
Ugh, Yes! I get this a lot since the stereotype for retail employees are they are young and in college or they don’t have the skills to do anything else. I look young (especially behind an apron) and many customers assume I’m still in college and when they find out that I actually graduated 6 years ago it’s always, “Well, what do you plan on doing?” They never assume I’ve intentionally chosen my job to allow for other interests.
I know these questions aren’t asked to be malicious but it’s small talk and doesn’t tell the whole story.
Amen to all three! 🙂 You ever think about writing a book, girlie?!
xo Erin
http://www.winkandatwirl.com
I used to feel awkward answering that question. “I’m just a stay at home mom.” But I’ve realized that I get to do what I’ve always wanted to do, and that raising a family is quite an undertaking. I don’t need to apologize for that. I like to ask people to tell me their stories, people love to talk about themselves.
Being a housewife now, I honestly hate that this is one of the first questions in the “getting to know you” conversation. So what do you do for work? I don’t. It always catches people off-guard, and then they don’t know what else to ask.
YES! A 100 times, YES! This is such a relevant and important post for me right now, Daisy! It goes hand and hand with the question, “what are you doing after graduation?,” which I am getting a lot of right now. But we don’t need to have our career path define us! There are so many other things to do in the world that we really limit ourselves by relying on the typical question “what do you do?” In fact, I think you said this really well– we are not determined by what we do but who we are! Thanks so much for sharing this Daisy, I think this mindset is so needed in the world.
Thanks for being brave and sharing your fears/inner thoughts, plus these more productive and fulfilling ways in which we can identify ourselves! Last year, I left a job that was killing me with the crazy hours. It was a relief to move to a stable 8:00-4:30 position at a new company . . . but I was also surprised by how much less important and valuable I felt. It was definitely a pride issue I had to get over. As I’ve filled the extra time with things I love, I’ve found that I like feeling fulfilled by those things rather than by the idea of just being “busy.” Well, that was some word vomit, but I hope it makes sense. 🙂
Oh Daisy you have such an incredible writing style and I am consistently filled up by your posts. Thank you for sharing such beautiful truths here and proclaiming Christ through your words. God has given you such wisdom and insight.
You have such a lovely way of using writing to inspire! My answer to this is YES. For several years right out of college I thought it was so important to be “successful” in my career. I thought it would bring me happiness and fulfillment. How wrong I was!
I worked myself into oblivion and my relationships and personal life suffered as a result. I was miserable and not living the dream life I thought my career would bring me. We need so much more than just a title or a dignified job to make us happy. It absolutely does not define who we are as people! Great post (as usual) Daisy!
Oh, so true. . . . I think this also applies to school. How many times during out junior and senior years of high school did I hear the question, “What are you doing after high school?”! And I almost never had a clear-cut answer, for which I thought people judged me. Now it’s still difficult for me to tell them, “No, I’m not planning on going to a four-year university right now. I’m going to pursue image consulting instead.” I wish we as people could stop having so many assumptions and prejudices about careers and education!
dance a real
Beautifully put. I define myself by my character and every day attitude. I believe everyone plays an important role. Whether you are managing my accounts at the bank, or scanning my groceries at check out. If someone works, and works with passion I appreciate and respect them. Love what you do and do what you love. (:
http://www.accordingtokiki123.blogspot.com
I love this Daisy(: It’s so eye opening. I am a college student, soon to be nurse. I cannot tell you how many conversations start with “what’s you major?” Sure I am excited to be a nurse, but I am a lot more than the gal who sticks needles in a person. You really made me think about the questions I should be asking if I REALLY want to get to know someone. Thanks for sharing and God bless!
Ann-Marie
http://www.espressoexplorations.com
Thank you so much for sharing this Daisy. My situation at my job is not that great, and I am hoping that season of life will come to a close soon. This is just what I needed to remind me that my job is not who I am. Thank you! 🙂
I believe so many individuals spend so much time becoming their career that sadly, they are unable to tell you anything other than what they do. I believe we each must become more aware of how we have conversations with each other. Ask about favorite vacation spots. Ask about hobbies. I encourage everyone to make a list of things they like outside of their job. These are the identifiers but many people can not do that. A beautiful post!!
I absolutely love what you’re getting at! I want to be defined by what I love and what I cherish.
I love this post (but let’s be honest, I love all your posts)! I agree with all of this, the first few things I’m usually asked is 1. if I’m in school and 2. what’s my major. I feel that once I tell people what I do, they’re sufficiently impressed to take more of an interest in me which is wrong: I could be excelling in school but an awful person. Or vice versa. People should take an interest in others regardless of their occupation, major, salary, etc. I love your thought that we are defined by our interests and what we do in our free time rather than what we’re forced to do for a living – a thought that’s never occurred to me but something I want to explore; I’m going to make a change to ask people things they enjoy doing rather than what they’re paid to do.
thesundaywardrobe.blogspot.com