Never discuss politics or religion, many of us have been told. But what about money? To some, money shapes their politics, and it can easily become religion if we allow it to.
Most people I know refrain from discussing money in crude, numerical terms. In American culture, finance is considered personal and private. It is rude to ask people about their salaries, the price of their homes, or even the cost of their child’s tuition. We hate to divulge, so we also hate to ask.
And yet, we somehow love to talk about money– just in indirect ways. We can rarely discuss commerce without commenting on price; we’re constantly referencing what we can or can’t afford; we are, after all, living in the legacy of the leisure class and conspicuous consumption. We put rich people on television, and we somehow find their squandering of wealth entertaining.
So what’s the big deal? Why does money occupy such a strangely powerful position in our personal lives?
Everyone has a story.
Perhaps we like to discuss this topic– no matter how uncomfortable or inappropriate– because money is deeply woven into our personal story. We all tell ourselves stories about work, value, possession and image; these stories inform our sense of wealth.
In other words, talking about money in honest, humble terms can put us in a vulnerable position. Our opinions say a lot about us: our childhood, our deepest longings, our level of greed, and our sense of security. Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what income bracket you find yourself in, if your inner story is set in stone. Just as a person can feel lonely in a roomful of people, that person can also feel poor in an affluent lifestyle.
We constantly tell ourselves stories about money, its value, and subsequently our own value.
What honest discussion can bring
Sometimes the hardest conversations are the ones that most urgently need to happen. Ironically, it’s those most reticent to discuss money that probably need to do it.
When we’re willing to be transparent about our finances, several things happen: we grow closer relationally; we are more likely to achieve our financial goals; and we are able to heal any unhealthiness and tell ourselves a new story.
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I’m a strong believer in discussing money: openly, humbly, and wisely. Here are several contexts in which money should be appropriately discussed.
In marriage: enriching your partnership
One of the most important topics to discuss when two people build a life together is the role that money will play. What constitutes a lot? What constitutes a little? Where and how will we invest?
When my husband and I first started dating, we didn’t set budgets for our dates, gifts or other expenditures together. It soon became clear that we needed to talk about our spending habits: why we saw value in one thing or another, and what we expected the other to spend.
Now in marriage, it’s more important than ever that we discuss money– the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have to be transparent when I’m worried about our spending. He has to be clear on his position on our monthly costs. And we both have to update each other when we change our minds about how we spend.
If your spouse grew up in a very different culture, then you likely have differing perspectives on money and its purposes. Understanding each other’s perspectives becomes essential to a long-term partnership. Here are some ways to begin the conversation:
- Start with your stories. What were your earliest memories of money? How did your family handle money?
- Discuss your notions of wealth. What images does that concept conjure for you? Do you want to change your understanding of wealth?
- How much money do you think you need in order to have “enough”? What does it enough look like in concrete terms?
In friendship: increasing accountability
Do you talk about money with your friends– in honest, soul-baring terms? If there is someone in your life you consider a confidant and fellow sojourner, then I encourage you to be brave and try this. Share your financial challenges and victories. Share your goals. Create goals together, and check in with each other. It will deepen your friendship and keep you disciplined. Here are a few ideas:
- Explore each other’s perspectives on wealth, poverty, and value. What experiences have informed your opinions?
- Take account of your regular spending habits. What would you like to change? Set a real goal– a grocery budget, a shopping ban– and ask your friend to help you.
- Share your annual salary and any other assets you may have. Are you committed to saving? Investing? Tell your friend about it and hear their thoughts as well.
- Discuss your long-term dreams and goals. Do you have travel goals? Education goals? Generosity goals? Start-up goals? Speaking those aloud will help you keep track of progress. We get from one place to another, no matter how far, one step at a time.
The challenge: know your story, tell your story.
If you’re ready to be intentional with your money, then it’s probably time to start actually talking about it. Abandon the temptation to simply comment on what a good deal you got at the mall, or how expensive gas is these days. Choose a few people in your life with whom to be 100% transparent about where you stand.
Why? Because intention must come with integrity. If your goal is to save money, it’s important to explore what you’re saving it for. If your goal is to purchase a luxury item, you must know what value that item holds for you. And if your goal is to simply move up or down the social ladder, there’s likely a story there that you need to share.
Financial freedom comes from being transparent. It’s a bit scary and requires a lot of trust, but here’s what I’ve discovered: true friendships and partnerships can withstand that kind of honesty. And ultimately, if you struggle with financial insecurity, or greed, or envy, or unstoppable spending, you probably won’t conquer it alone. Invite people in, and find yourself liberated.
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My husband travels a lot so we have the same Mint account on both of our phones. It helps us keep track of spending even when both of us aren’t able to talk every night. My husband is an auditor so we end up having a lot of conversations about money and I love it! Great post!
I love this post so much! You’re right that money seems to be a taboo topic in our culture, but spending is not such a taboo topic. I often wonder how these cultural norms develop! I’m sure this is the reason why so many people live in envy of others’ lives — we see what they’re doing with their money without knowing 1) how much they actually have and 2) what sacrifices they make to be able to spend the way they do. I especially like the questions you pose for discussing money in marriage. There’s so much more to these discussions than just setting a budget and talking numbers. How we handle money is so deeply tied to memories and emotions, and it’s critical that we acknowledge that if we’re going to make wise decisions.
I really love this! It’s always so awkward to me to talk about money but you’re totally right that in doing so we’re opening ourselves up to deeper relationships. <3
That’s awesome, Kat. Those conversations are so valuable for bringing a couple together, and also diffusing any potential conflicts. Well done!
I love this post! I think talking about money openly (especially with your partner) is so important. It was a struggle for Ty and I in the beginning—particularly because we have somewhat different philosophies. But, openly communicating has allowed us to reach some middle ground—without any resentment!
xoxo
Kat
Thank you Hannah! It’s wonderful when spouses can influence us in positive ways, and I’m so glad you and Bjorn are comfortable discussing this. It definitely helps us have calmer discussions about work, giving, spending and saving. We can even be excited about how our money will be used for good!
Oh, you are so right!!! Adults are certainly responsible to model healthy money habits to their children– but so many adults haven’t fully developed them yet. It’s so great that you and Angel are involved in these conversations and positively influencing younger family members. Such an important thing to get right as young adults, not when we’re older and knee-deep in the mire.
That’s awesome. I think weddings are a great entry point to discuss this issue!
Ooh I will look forward to that post, Angela! It’s so true that siblings can have very different perspectives on money and how it should be spent. I see this in my own family!
Thank you Ashley!! It’s a challenge but certainly worth it in my experience!
I hear you Jamie! Money can raise so much anxiety– but the more we understand those feelings, the less control it will have over us. 🙂
Thank you for reading this Shireen! 🙂 I really appreciate your thoughts. I have a hard time doing this myself– I’ve able to be very honest about finances with only a few friends (other than my husband), and it has enriched our friendships deeply. But both people have to be ready, and there needs to be a purpose. It’s definitely a challenge!
I really like this post, Daisy! I appreciate you taking on this topic. You’re right – so many people shy away from mentioning specific monetary amounts and so on! This is a really interesting topic to me – my husband tends to discuss money in more frank, specific terms, in conversation and with friends, and just plain has better numerical/money sense than I do. But I’ve found over time that I’ve become much more comfortable with discussing money, even with my husband! I love how that conversation really helps us stay on the same page and stay accountable!
I think money should be talked about, in the right context, and especially when there’s already a strong relationship–I actually think fewer young people would be in such bad positions of debt if more older people would have stepped into their lives to talk about the reality of debt. My husband’s conversations with his little brother have been very influential in his brother getting on the path to getting out of debt, and I regularly ‘check-in’ on my little siblings and my cousin in her freshman year of college to find out how adult-life spending is going and if they’ve been able to find a good budget and encourage them on the road of financial responsibility.
I’m a pretty open book. I’ve been getting tons of questions about our wedding and I am happy to share information if it helps out another bride. 🙂
I need to talk about money with my sisters! We’re traveling together soon for a trip with my mom and they are at a different spending level than I am at this moment. It’s interesting because we grew up in the same household but have very different money stories! I’ll probably write a post about it so stay tuned! 🙂
This is an interesting topic! I know financial discussions are often avoided, but they so need to be addressed more frequently! Great points!!
Ashley | LiveIntentionallyBlog.net
It is so hard for me to talk about money. I’m the kind of person that thinks if I talk about it, I have to deal with it. Maybe that’s what I should be doing…..
This is a great topic and definitely an interesting one, Daisy. My husband and I have joint account so we are very open about it and we sit down and talk things through every month. The one that made me ponder is on friendship, it is definitely a great discussion to have. My good friend and I touched the surface on financial matters before but neither went into deep discussion mainly because we both think it’s a very sensitive topic. You do have a good point though, it’s something that is wise to talk about.
Shireen | Reflection of Sanity