I anticipated that this season would be busy for me– both due to personal pursuits and the rhythms of our culture– but I must admit I’ve been feeling unprepared. It’s only early October and I’ve already felt the pressure of a tight schedule, too many items on my to-do list, and the lack of a real break in the near future.
I’ve been a huge proponent of unstructured free time on this blog, and I still am– even as I see that time dwindling away from my calendar. As Aaron and I both settle into our second year here in Pasadena and into this season of our lives, we are both becoming more involved, more ambitious, and more in demand.
In general, our busy-ness is good. It’s intentional. Everything that is on our schedules has a purpose, just as everything we’ve spent money on has a purpose. That doesn’t mean, however, that balancing it all is easy. I still need to schedule the most vital items into my weekly calendar so not as to compromise my life for my living.
Related: 10 Simple Ways to Prioritize What You Love
The relational cost of busy-ness
Being busy is not just a threat to our physical and mental health, however. It can put our relationships in a tricky place. And when both people in a relationship are busy, it can feel even more alienating.
I still remember the way that my college room mates and I would make time to be together. It can sound a bit ridiculous, but the students at my university were busy— not just a little or occasionally, but all the time. The only way that I could stay connected with my best friends was if we all chose to stay connected. We did, and our friendship thrived.
Intentionality fights disconnection
One of the challenges of busy-ness– and resulting relational distance– is that it creeps in without us realizing. Its insidiousness is invisible to us until we already feel estranged from each other. Usually at this point, there’s a conflict to deal with, a misunderstanding to unravel, a relationship to reconcile.
Aaron and I have few hours of leisure together now. His program is demanding and so is my work, and we sometimes only share one meal together per day. Staying connected is more difficult when we’re chasing deadlines, making important decisions, or simply not around each other.
If we’re going to not only survive this season, but see our relationship thrive, we have to become intentional about it. Even though I miss the luxury of being able to talk for hours after dinner, or take leisurely coffee breaks together in the morning, I know that these scaffolds can help us stay involved in each other’s lives even if we can’t be as present as we would like.
Whether you live with your spouse or just some friends that you love, intentionality can help cultivate that relationship even when life is busy and schedules are full. Here are the ways we are staying connected through this tough season.
6 Ways to Stay Connected When Life Gets Busy
1) Keep similar waking hours.
Daily rhythms make more a difference than we might realize. Making our waking and sleeping schedules align has helped us feel that we are still walking through the same day together. Even if we’re apart for most of it, we know we will spend those morning and evening moments together. It’s a huge stress reliever too!
2) Choose interactive past times.
If our time together is limited, we’ll spend it talking, taking a walk, baking cookies, or even playing a game. While I myself might just want to watch TV, it’s not the kind of activity that helps us converse and interact. When our time is too precious to be spent in front of a screen, we’ll choose an activity that we wouldn’t necessarily do on our own.
3) Do chores together.
If time is really, really tight– and no shared free time is available– I’ll suggest that we do a chore or even run an errand together. Aaron and I like to cook breakfast together, partly because it means we’re in the same space, and can eat together right after.
When I was in college, my room mates and I would sometimes do laundry together; it worked in the same way– we weren’t necessarily having fun, but we could enjoy those moments of interaction.
4) Ask intentional questions.
There comes a point in a relationship when we feel that we know each other so well, perhaps questions aren’t necessary. I’ve been wrong about this in the past (both in friendships and relationships), where I’ve simply assumed that I knew everything that was going on in someone’s life.
The truth is, no matter how intimate a friendship, we still need to ask questions. This is when I see Aaron’s therapy training come in handy. He asks good questions that make me say more; he doesn’t assume he knows exactly what I think or how I feel. I seek to offer him, and my friends, the same opportunity.
5) Evaluate time alone versus time with friends.
As individuals, Aaron and I are ambiverts. We lean strongly toward neither introversion nor extraversion. However, as a couple, we’re definitely extraverts. We love to host, are naturally hospitable together, and will quickly fill up all our weekend meals hosting friends.
Protecting our time together, alone, is proving to be more important as we become busy. We need that time to invest in each other— and not constantly be looking outward as a team to invest in other people. Building each other up is the foundation of our friendships with others, so the balance is key to both our hospitality and the health of our marriage.
6) Offer your best self.
If there has ever been a strong motivation for me to be my best self around Aaron, it’s the realization that our time together is limited. I know that I can choose to spend our precious hours being petty and passive-aggressive, or I can spend that time being honest and encouraging.
Occasionally that honesty means that I burst into emotion about how I’ve been feeling. Other times it means that I share funny stories from my work so we can both laugh. Either way, I desire to give nothing less than my best; there’s no time like the present to be our best selves.
[Tweet “Busy-ness doesn’t have to lead to relational damage. How to stay connected via @daisylinshih #livewithintention”]
I love these thoughts! Staying relationally connected can be very difficult in the time we live in. Sam (my boyfriend) and I have had our share of busy seasons–especially last semester, when he had more hard classes than ever before, and I was working on a major job interview. We’re often tight on money (being college students), so our resources are also limited, meaning we have to be creative about the things we do together as well. Some of our favorite interactive pastimes include going for walks, going to the gym, playing video games, and dancing.
What do you and Aaron like to do for fun?
Phenomenal post, Daisy! My husband and I are both very busy, but him more than I usually. Oh the joys of working in ministry…Needed this post!
We treasure it so much! (:
It’s only worked once for us so far (baseball playoffs and the Cubs are in), so I don’t know how much we can do it the next couple of weeks, but it really does help get us connected. It’s about balance and getting off our phones/computers every so often.
Thanks Hannah! Yes, I used to be a difficult person when I felt lonely or stressed, but now I really try to be my best self with Aaron because of our limited time. And thanks– our photographers did such a great job!
Oh thank you, Julie! And that must be quite challenging– my husband and I dated long-distance for 4 years and the physical absence was really tough. Cheers to you two!
I’m glad you can relate, Ashley! It’s such a busy time of year, and somewhat emotionally exhausting too. I’ve definitely felt the need to stay intentional in our marriage relationship because we can become so comfortable with each other that we forget to really check in.
And running errands together is MUCH better than doing them alone! I’m so with you on that!
That’s awesome Kat! I love slow mornings– for us, it’s on Sundays! Not having to rush off somewhere in the morning is just such a good feeling, especially when spent with someone I love.
That is brilliant, Kristyn! I’ve been thinking about setting a specific day when I really limit my screen time. My husband and I also like to cook, play board games and chat. 🙂
Oh thank you so much! Let me check it out right now!
You’re so right Amberly. I think though that this is especially true for those of us who have full agency over our time, our bodies, and our obligations. Getting to prioritize what we love (and not being forced to do things against our will) means that we can and should make choices that reflect our convictions. Great point!
Thanks for reading, Jo-Anne!
Yes absolutely! Errands can hardly count as dates, but the time together is precious, and anything is better than nothing!
Oh I’m so glad to hear that, Brittany! And yes, I’ve come to realize that busy-ness doesn’t always mean we’re doing something wrong, or struggling to prioritize. Life gets full for lots of reasons and can’t always control that.
Aaron and I had really opposite schedules earlier this year and it was a huge challenge! I liked going grocery shopping with him as well because we enjoy food so much and could think about what we wanted to cook for the week!
Yes! Sometimes it’s hard for Aaron and me to keep the same hours but we usually stick to it.
I love breakfast with my husband too! It does help us to share our hopes and anxieties for the day before we head our separate ways.
I can see how having a child brings all kinds of new challenges as well. I think keeping weekends free is a great way to come back together and regroup. It’s so important to get that time together!
You’re right, Jessica! I love that card idea– I saw those years ago and I wish I purchased them. They really are fun.
I love this post, Daisy!! I love your point about offering your best self during those precious hours that you do have together. This really speaks to me this week, as my husband and I have both been gone all day, and then he goes straight from work to do farming work with his father. We are enjoying these couple hours together in the evenings, and I need to remember to keep that time special! Also, that picture at the bottom is SO beautiful!
This is a great post… Well thought out and genuine! It’s amazing how wrapped up in life we get that we forget to make time for each other, but yes, being intentional is key and prioritization. My man is deployed so finding quality time together is hard, I never know when I’m going to be able to have a proper chat session with him but luckily when it happens, my friends are understanding if I happen to be out and about…!
I am with you, Daisy. I knew this season would be busy. I have chosen to be intentional with what fills our time, we set this season aside as something purposeful – and yet I still feel unprepared for it all. I love the tips for finding time with our spouse. And really, the reminder that this relationship is one where it is vital to stay intentional. Our favorite, or really, it’s my favorite is to run errands together. I think of it as a date and my husband laughs and tells me I’m crazy. 😉
Love all of these! Ty and I reserve Saturday mornings for “us time”. Whether we take a walk or just enjoy a lazy breakfast, we know we can always look forward to that time — even if the rest of the week is absolutely nuts.
xoxo
Kat 🙂
We try to have one night a week that is a technology free day. Completely technology free for that evening that we are together (unless we need a computer or iPad to cook dinner). That helps us connect on a different level. Sometimes we play board games, sometimes we just sit on the couch and talk – like really talk about some hard issues. It’s working great for us right now.
Hey sister! I featured one of your posts on my blog this morning. PS! http://heartnatured.com/2015/10/bloglovin-favorites-of-late/ 🙂
I heard something earlier today that really made me think. When you’re saying that you don’t have time for something, switch the way you phrase it and say, “this isn’t a priority for me”. I think this is a great way to remember what’s important and stay connected when you’re busy. Deep cleaning your house might not be as much of a priority as you think it is, but if you put it above spending time with your spouse, then you’re saying your spouse isn’t a priority instead.
Yes yes yes I so agree
We’ve always tried to run errands together. Of course, sometimes it goes a little too far and running errands together becomes our only “date” (I’d prefer dates to be slightly more amusing)–but I still think grocery shopping or visiting the post office is way more fun together!
Daisy, you are speaking straight to my soul today! I desperately needed this today. Everything you said about being in a really busy season without really seeing a break coming up feels like my life. I’ve been questioning what I’m doing “wrong,” because I’ve been so careful to safeguard my time and say lots of nos. I was frustrated that I felt like my schedule is as simple as it can be right now, but it still feels like too much. This line hit me hard: “In general, our busy-ness is good. It’s intentional. Everything that is on our schedules has a purpose.” I need to remember that’s it’s just a season of busyness, and that’s okay. And I just love your tips for staying connected in these seasons. Dan and I work mostly opposite schedules, so we’re holding on to every moment we have together — even if it’s just grocery shopping!
Waking up with Houston is hard, but so worth it to have that little bit of extra time together. 🙂
These are great tips and challenges. A way that John and I stay connected is that we always sit down to eat breakfast together. Dinner is kind of a give-in, but oftentimes we leave the house at different times. Breakfast together gives us unhurried time to chat, catch up on the week, etc.
It’s very hard to balance a relationship and work with a child involved. Especially when one of you goes in before the other or one goes to bed before the other. Our relationship takes a beating during the work week sometimes. We are tired. The weekends are the best for mending. We always do something fun together. Whether it’s watching a movie or going somewhere. (:
http://www.accordingtokiki.net
Sort of goes along with asking intentional questions, but we have these little cards that have thought provoking questions on them that we ask each other while we are walking or eating dinner. It is a fun way to find out things about one about one another that you gnerally wouldn’t think to ask.