I thought I knew what I was doing when I was 18.
But, until Jenny at Stuff I Love shared the advice she would give herself at 18, I had not thought about the painful– and somewhat endearing– naïveté that plagued me then, or what I would say to myself if I could.
We can all get angry at our mean, hormonal, insecure, small-minded and selfish teenage selves, but I think the transition into adulthood is hard for everyone. Perhaps I should cut myself a little slack.
And yet, I also wish I could more often see age 18 done right. I wish today’s 18-year-olds could be encouraged in ways more specific to their needs. High school graduations are filled with platitudes such as “Dream Big!” and “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” but don’t most of us know that life is so much more than that?
Instead of further evaluating my 18-year-old self, I spent some time thinking back to that season of my life. I had graduated high school and was preparing to spend a year working in addiction recovery (more on that here). I was also college-bound, obsessed with volunteering, afraid to look stupid, committed to Jesus, and foolishly in love with the boy who would become my husband. Needless to say, it was a dynamic if not dramatic period.
What are some truths I could have held onto? In other words, what are some lessons I’ve learned as an adult?
Advice For My 18-Year-Old Self
1) You are a human becoming.
Whoever first replaced “human being” with “human becoming” had serious wisdom. We are constantly moving, shifting, and progressing– the direction in which we can only choose. In all my identity crises I wish I truly realized this, that we don’t just simply exist, we become.
2) Most of the time, no one is watching.
Growing up, for whatever reason, I often found myself in the spotlight. By the age of 10, I took my role as a leader very seriously– to the point of worrying about my every move. I wish I realized that despite the accolades and affirmation, fewer people were watching me than I realized. I had more space to make mistakes than I allowed myself.
3) People will forgive you.
And when I did make mistakes, I needed to ask for forgiveness. I need to realize that offending others was inevitable, and that many of those offended would be willing to mend our relationship.
4) Few things are permanent; even fewer are eternal.
Knowing this would have changed a number of decisions I made and especially how I used my resources. Deciding what to wear, or which friends to invite, was neither.
5) Take exercise seriously.
Last winter, I wrote about reasons to exercise that weren’t related to body image. This is how long it’s taken me to consider exercising on a regular basis– not for looks, but for health and sanity.
6) Real love supersedes our need to be justified.
One of my biggest relational struggles was the feeling of imbalance. Who missed whom more? Who needed whom more? Who offended more? Who gave more? Seeking answers to these questions poisoned some of my friendships, but many of them were salvaged by #3.
7) Keep looking beyond the surface.
The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. The better I get to know people, the more I realize I’m in no place to pass judgment. At 18, I thought I already did a good job of assessing people and situations. Now I recognize that over longer periods of time, all of these things develop and are exposed.
Overall, I am happy with who I was at 18. I haven’t met a young person who wasn’t a little cocky, a little insecure, a little ignorant and a little wise too.
[Tweet “What wisdom would you share with your 18-year-old self? via @daisylinshih”]
You weren’t rambling. Your comment about how others don’t see the imperfections we sometimes choose to become fixated on is so relevant in my life. I can self deprecate like no other. 🙂
Thanks so much Renee! 🙂 And yes, taking better care of my body would have helped me too.
Thank you Mica! I’m glad that you didn’t give up, friend!
Thanks Sheryl! That is so true, people spend lots of energy on how they portray themselves when usually there’s no one in the audience!
Yes… I was so self-conscious, it was pretty ridiculous!
Thanks Marcella! Glad to hear I’m not the only one 🙂
Thanks Gina!!
It definitely is a game changer! I loved it the first time I heard it!
Thanks girl!!
Thanks Christina! I’d love to read one by you 😉
So glad to read that Hannah! And you’ll definitely continue to grow and mature… it’s a good thing!
Yes… I’m so grateful that my husband didn’t struggle with those questions and could remind me that love is not a competition!
#2 is the best, it took me so long to learn that myself. I wrote about it in one of my articles for travel. You just have to worry about yourself, having fun, and not worrying about what others think. #6 is so insightful. I have all the same questions in my marriage and then I question if I am really a good wife but in Edward’s eyes I am perfect and he does not see the imperfections I see and then I am reminded of how lucky I am to have him. The I realize that I am also lucky that he is still so madly in love with me and I nee to get my shiz together because one day he will not always want to put up with all of my craziness, he will grow tired of it.. so i am working on it now. I am rambling.. I will go now.
Ah thank you Brittany!! Hahah yes sometimes I wonder what I’ll feel when I look back on my blog posts ten years from now. Will I smile or shudder…? 😉 And yes, “the best is yet to come” is such a simple and yet wonderful expression of hope.
You should!! I’d love to read it!
And yes, there are definitely rough moments in those years– for everyone. Sometimes it’s behavior we can explain, and other times we have no answer for our choices. And that’s ok… not everything can be explained or justified, but it can all be forgiven.
Yes… feeling lost is so common, and yet sometimes 18 year olds are supposed to know exactly where they’re going and what they’re doing. And yes, relationships are tricky. Sometimes even when they don’t end well, they serve a purpose. 🙂
Ah thank you Jenny! Thanks for reading it and for the inspiration too!
Yes, right! We’re all becoming older (and wiser hopefully), and relishing each season means being ok with who we are, and accepting that we’ll never be perfect.
Thank you Jo-Anne! It really is a hard season to like oneself and to feel secure, but that’s part of becoming an adult I guess!
Yes, thank you Kelly! And gee, I don’t want to think about how much time and money I spent on my image in my teens (and even early twenties!)…
I love #1. That’s such a neat way of framing it, and so different from our idea that you’re suddenly an adult at X age or after accomplishing certain things. Definitely agree with #4. When I think of how I used to prioritize shopping ten years ago. . .ugh. Could have had quite the savings account if I had taken the longer/minimalist view!
Yes yes yes bloody great advice at 18 we either think we know everything and think we are bulletproof or we art to scared to speak up and be heard, many of us take decades to find out voice and like who we are.
I always felt like I had to be perfect at 18 and like everyone was watching. I had that feeling like I had to figure out everything all at once and didn’t realize that you spend a life time figuring how to be good at being human and you never get it perfect. Posts like this remind me to extend a bit more grace to myself now- I’m sure at 35 I’ll be laughing at my clueless 26yo self
I love this Daisy! So happy you wrote one. I’ve never heard of human ‘becoming’ but it’s such a great way to look at it, and a great reminder to enjoy the journey, be kind to ourselves, let go of mistakes, and continue growing. I love #5 and #7 as well. #7 reminds me of the post you wrote on your experience working at an addiction recovery center.
Stuff I Love
Isn’t it crazy how much our lives can change in such a short time? I think I’d tell myself that it’s ok to feel lost and not everyone knows their way. Especially when it seems like everyone around you knows what they want. I’d also go back in time and convince myself out of my first serious relationship. (; But who knows, if he wouldn’t have been terribly I may never have the relationship I have today.
http://www.accordingtokiki.net
Wow, I need to write a post like this to my 18 year-old self. You’re right about being somewhat angry at who we used to be, and sometimes for that reason I don’t want to approach this subject, but I think it would be a good exercise in apologizing to myself and letting go of some of that.
Oh girl, this is so perfect! I especially love #2 and #4, probably because I still feel like I have a long way to go in learning to live these out. I wonder what I’ll say to the 28-year-old me in 10 more years! I think I’d also add the adage “The best is yet to come” because I believe the best is always still to come.
Being 18 myself right now . . . this post hit home for me. It is so amazing to me how much change the years bring and how much older I feel now than I did a year ago . . . but at the same time I know that when I’m 21 or 22 or 23 I’ll feel like I was just a little idiot at 18. Thank you for posting this, Daisy 🙂
find me–
Dance A Real & walking in the air.
Love this!! What a fun idea to sit down and give this some thought. I love the “no one is watching” advice. I too put a ton of pressure on myself to fit into the role I thought I needed to play in my little world and was terrified of disappointing anyone. Turns out now that I look back, none of that really mattered anyway!
Love this post and I would love to sit down and do something like this for myself. I definitely would have a lot of advice for myself at 18! I love your #1, I’ve never heard of that word, but it really does make perfect sense.
Awesome post, Daisy!! I absolutely adore what you said about being a human becoming. Wow–what a perspective game changer! And the rest of these are giving me so much insight right now. I can relate to feelings of imbalance in relationships with my friends and other people. I loved hearing your perspective on this! Thanks so much for brightening my soul today, Daisy!
Great post!! So much good advice here and I 100% love ‘most of the time, nobody is watching’ because I think my 18 year old self worried about that a lot too!!
I love that phrase ‘human becoming’… somehow I haven’t heard of it until just now, haha! It’s so true that nobody is watching. I’ve learned that everyone is too busy with their own lives and problems to notice/care about yours!
I so appreciate your point of most of the time no one is watching. I spent a large amount of that time period worried about how things looked and what others were thinking. It took some time to realize how much energy I was using focusing upon that. I would tell my 18 year old self to slow down. I was in a hurry and I don’t think I appreciated being that age.
Another great post! I think it’s funny how when we were younger we would listen to all the advice and smile and nod and thing we know better, then we reach that age and wish we would have listened to some of that advice! My life is so different now to what it was when I was 18, and it is different in a good way. I’ve had some horrible times but even out of the worst situations the best things have happened, so I guess my advice to myself would be to not give up! It’s all worth it 🙂
Away From The Blue
Such a great post! I would probably tell my 18 year old self to take better care of my body! And to stop feeling so insecure about myself!
Renee | Lose The Road