As a veteran of a long-distance relationship (that successfully led to marriage), I’m no stranger to the challenges of maintaining friendship over time and space. The reality many of us face after graduating college is that we lose touch with the people we loved and cherished for a season.
Changes in space = changes in friendship
There are many causes for this, not least the fact that we no longer live together. It is less likely that we share experiences once we enter the work force or continue our education. As experiences begin to vary, common ground can feel like it’s shrinking– which in turn makes it even more difficult to reconnect.
I’ve recently reconnected with a few friends from college and have been reflecting on the state of our friendships. It’s a challenge when distance forces us to miss entire chapters in each other’s lives– when in the past we’ve never missed a beat. Still, if maintaining past friendships is a manner of reconnecting with our whole selves, then there are steps we can take to keep those friendships alive.
Post-college friendships are different too.
Furthermore, my approach to new friendships is shaping up to be different as well. Getting less “face time” with my new friends than I did with my college friends means that it takes longer to get to know someone. I can’t assume that they thoroughly understand the context of my work or the circumstances I face. I no longer belong to the same institutions as my new friends, even if we have an overlapping community.
Ultimately, maintaining old friendships and making new ones both require more intentionality once college is over. Over the past year, here’s what I’ve learned!
5 Principles for Post-College Friendship
1) Ask more questions and listen more closely.
When you live with someone, it can feel as though you are in sync with their every thought and whim. This familiarity can be most excellent for late-night conversations, but not so much for a coffee date after months apart.
We can’t expect to continue to know “everything,” and to remain in the same synchronized thought patterns that we had with people we spent every day with. It takes humility to accept this, but as soon as we do, we can listen better.
2) Develop a (new) relationship repertoire slowly and carefully.
Friendships post-college have taken me a longer time to develop. Part of it is that there is so much more to learn: without the shared experience of being students, we not only need to learn each other’s stories, but also what day-to-day life is really like.
This takes time, and new friends often have varying expectations. Some people are an open book, while others need more time to warm up. Expecting slow growth of new friendships– and the need to develop new rhythms in old ones– can help us manage expectations during this season.
3) Seek ways to be available or helpful.
A faraway friend may not think you’re available unless you regularly remind her that you are. A new friend nearby might not know that you’re willing to help with chores or groceries unless you offer.
I’m still learning what it means to be supportive and service-oriented in my friendships both near and far. Even if the answer isn’t immediately obvious, we build our friendships with servitude and generosity.
4) Share resources in creative ways.
One of the positive aspects of having friends across different industries and experiences is the ability to share lessons learned and useful resources. We often don’t realize that we already have knowledge or networks that can benefit someone else; perhaps we take these things for granted.
This past year, being able to point friends to resources I’ve discovered has allowed me to contribute to my friendships in a new way. The benefit of not sharing the same community or the same work environment is that we can teach each other new things all the time.
5) Schedule regular times to connect.
Even though most of my college friends were busy, I could count on seeing my closest friends on a regular basis. We were involved in the same activities, shared classes, or lived in close proximity to each other.
After college, however, running into friends becomes less reliable. It can feel weird to schedule a weekly phone call or lunch, but the regularity makes a huge difference. One of my college friends and I talk almost weekly– even for just 10 minutes– and it’s helped us feel so much more connected than we would have otherwise.
The bottom line: we all must find a new friendship rhythm
Leaving the friends we once lived with and pushing into a new community is never easy. Distance changes the nature of a friendship, no matter how close, no matter how committed.
Learning to build and rebuild under new circumstances requires effort and time that may once have felt unnecessary. But, if done well, friendship in the post-college season can be just as rewarding as friendship in college.
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Just the kind of post I needed to read Daisy! I think this is one of my biggest struggles of post-grad. It still feels weird saying post-grad haha, but I think it’s so true that our rhythm of friendships changes. It takes more of putting ourselves out there and making opportunities for yourself to meet people and actually get to know them. Thank you so much for these tips — really motivating me in my relationships! 🙂
I am so encouraged by you, Jeannette! And it is wonderful that you still stay in touch with your friends from so many years ago. That is quite an accomplishment and a blessing. I miss my friends from college and I’m trying to stay in touch– and even just a few years apart has made our friendships less intimate.
Thank you for reading this, Ashley! There certainly can be more people than time– and investing in deep relationships requires even more effort!
That is amazing, Morgan! I miss my friends who are now scattered all over.
Scheduling time for friends is so important! While we’ve never been able to be college friends, when I was in my junior year of high school I moved away from my best friend and we’ve stayed best friends since then because we’ve been good at making time for each other whether through phone dates or hanging out every time we’ve had the chance. Such great tips!
Morgan | theradwife.blogspot.com
Ah yes, that scheduling time. Being intentional with creating new relationships. I think that’s my hardest part. There isn’t much time available, and there are most certainly more people than time. Thank you for the reminder and the challenge!
Hello beautiful Daisy. After almost 25+ years (ouch!) I still stay in touch with two of my closest college friends (not as much as I would like to but we talk once in a while). I lost contact with m of majority of them because back then (late 80’s, early nineties) we didn’t have social media or cell phones so after I graduated and moving out to a different state I didn’t have a way to communicate with most of them. Thanks to FB, I have been able to re-connect with a few but the friendship is not the same. I have to admit that because of my life situation I don’t have a lot of spare time for taking on the phone which sometimes makes it challenging for me to stay in touch with friends. I do try to send them random texts letting them know I am thinking about them and that I am always available if they need anything from me. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post and wonderful tips. You are such a beautiful soul and your friends are so blessed to have you. XOXO, Jeannette
http://www.msjeannieandhercloset.com
Aw these are great tips! I went to college nearby so most of my college friends are within 20 minutes of me right now, but I have some high school friends that live across the country and this is awesome advice. Especially scheduling regular times to connect. So important in maintaining those friendships!
I totally needed this. Thank you for this post! It’s hard making friends in a hard season of like such as a move, graduation, etc.
http://www.creating-kelsi.com/
I’m in a season of making new friends after a move so these tips are perfect!
Thanks for this post! I need to be reminded of the effort it takes to maintain those relationships from college. I’m starting my first fall post-college so this was a well-timed reminder for me 🙂
I totally agree that it takes so much longer to get to know new friends than it did in college. Time just isn’t as available as it once once. These are really great tips!
Scheduling time is so important! I think it takes a bit to realize that since we are so used to seeing our friends in classes. Making a friends as an adult is tough but these tips are excellent!
This is great advice! It’s totally possible to stay connected, it just takes effort!
I’ve seen all of these things to be so true with my friendships! Most of my college friends still live in the Southeast and we have to be so intentional to stay connected. We’ve found one of them most important things is giving each other grace when we don’t talk for a while and give each other the benefit of the doubt that life just gets busy and seasons where we can’t talk as much are natural!
My hubby and I were long distance for two years before we lived in the same place and eventually got engaged/married, so I hear you on that one! 🙂
I think one of the things that’s easiest for people to forget is that you have to schedule time for friend-fun. It’s so easy when you’re all thrown together at college- more difficult when you’re going about your career, etc x