Demeanor, (n.): outward behavior or bearing (e.g., a quiet, somber demeanor). Synonyms: manner, air, attitude, appearance, look.
The past few weeks have been chock full of failures, frustrations, rejections, and struggles. But you wouldn’t know it if you came over to my house for some coffee and a brief conversation. While nothing drastic has happened I’ve faced unusual emotional ups and downs, and even a bit of insomnia from the stress of a few unique situations. And I don’t know that you would ever find out, if I didn’t choose to be open about them.
You see, I’ve spent most of my adult life choosing to be calm and collected. My demeanor somehow tells everyone that I am not just fine— but that I’m thoughtful, humorous, open-hearted. It says that I don’t really need help. It says I’m content. It might even say that I don’t have much to complain about.
But this is far from the truth. Find me after a day of work or fighting maddening traffic, and I’ll have a hard time saying anything positive to anyone. Catch me in that moment when I’m frustrated beyond consolation that something isn’t perfect– and I’ll be anything but composed or collected.
Usually, for better or for worse, I get the chance to collect myself before I interact with other people. By the time I’m in conversation with a friend over coffee, or working with my next student, I’ve got it all under control again.
I’ve written about how perfectionism has stolen joy in my life, and how pushing those high standards on myself has damaged my relationship with others. Eventually I snap– goodbye, eloquent and thoughtful self, and hello, monster.
The weakness of a confident demeanor
Recently, I’ve been feeling as though it’s hard for people to come to my aid. I have yet to ask for feedback on this, but I’ve always tried to come off as steady, empathetic, and independent. As much as I like to be available to my community, I don’t take full advantage of the community that’s made itself available to me. And then I wonder why, when I think I’ve asked for help, I don’t hear a resounding yes.
I think we all try to be our best selves– or at least an image of our best selves– when we’re around people whose opinions matter to us. And that often means putting a mask over that vulnerable, ugly, struggling person who’s afraid of being found out. We do this so naturally that we start believing that the personality we attempt to exude is who we really are– wholly, entirely, who we are.
While I’m no advocate of being our worst selves with others– or by sharing our misery with everyone who crosses our path– I do think we should be aware of what our demeanor says about us. Is it true? Or do we need to occasionally open up about the truth?
My demeanor certainly doesn’t tell all– and sometimes it tells the opposite.
6 Lies My Demeanor Tells The World
1) All my thoughts are composed and logical.
Absolutely not. My thoughts are a jumbled mess in my head, but a lot of it gets worked out before I share them. While my demeanor communicates that I process quickly and logic proceeds from my mind, that is far from my lived reality.
2) I am perfectly content with my life and don’t feel anything is lacking.
Nope. I struggle with contentment as much as the next person, but I’m too proud to complain about it most of the time. I want to stand fully behind my choices, and give thanks for everything I do have, but there are days when I feel that my lot is not sufficient.
3) I’m not needy.
Actually, I am. But I don’t want to be difficult to be around, so I won’t demand too much from you. The truth is, I’m an extrovert who runs to the nearest human being when I’m faced with a hardship. Of course I usually start off the conversation with an eloquent thought from a previous crisis– leading you to believe that I’m just there to say hello. Plus, I have a weakness for anyone who is foreign, who plays the guitar, or who does kind deeds behind the scenes.
4) I practice everything I preach.
I wish. Everything I “preach” is representative of a goal I have, a journey I’m on. It’s not something I’ve completely grasped or accomplished, though sometimes my confidence makes it seem like I have all my values lined up and under my belt already.
5) I’m completely comfortable with who I am, how I look, and what I’ve accomplished.
Generally yes, but sometimes no. I still struggle with desiring to perform, look good (better), and get more done. Sure, there’s an ease in my voice when I talk about these subjects, but ease is hardly how I always feel.
6) I am confident in what the future will bring.
Not at all. I struggle with fear. I fear so many things that the list is too long to name here.
Becoming truthful
Strange, isn’t it? My demeanor is part of who I am– but it also somehow lies about who I am. Casual conversations leave out the details (as they sometimes should), but I also choose not to share those ugly, imperfect pieces with friends who have offered their listening ear.
Vulnerability, on the other hand, is a challenge because we can hardly ever predict the outcome. But it can also bring about a richer, deeper experience of community that we would otherwise miss.
I need to practice expressing the truth in simple, unembellished ways.
I need help.
I’m scared.
I‘m struggling with this.
I’m disappointed.
I can’t do this alone.
No masterful conclusions, no funny stories, no analogies or analyses– just the raw, undigested truth.
Our demeanors can draw people in and give them an impression of who we are and who we’d like to be. But it’s really in the relationships where we can tell the undressed truth that we are truly known, loved, and supported.
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I agree with so many other commenters that this is a struggle for everyone, at some point in life if not a recurring theme. I can definitely look back at periods of my life and see how circumstances made me feel less free to share my inner feelings, (normally I’m an open book). I think I had the biggest struggle when I’d just graduated from college and was in my first job… it was hard to learn how to toe the line in the professional world, sharing my feelings/opinions when appropriate and to the right people. In the end, I think it’s personally really important to find those special people in life– friends, counselors, mentors– that you can share aaalll the scary and dirty and fearful with, and then learn how to judge being appropriately private yet fully honest with the rest of the world.
100% agree! Thanks for making me think about this topic some more 🙂
Thank you Olivia. I’m so glad you can relate to this. You’re right; we get into the habit of acting a certain way around others that breaking that habit can be pretty tough!
Oh yes… Instagram isn’t real, and neither is that image of us constantly smiling, constantly outgoing, constantly warm. Sometimes I’m just not any of those things!
Thanks for reading, friend!
Yes, that’s so true Anna. I often forget that sharing my struggles can actually be an encouragement to someone else.
Yes… I love how you put it– the “hidden price we pay for keeping up a front.” That is so true.
Glad to hear it, Chelsea! I appreciate that so much! Let me know if you reach any revelations too!
Thanks for reading, friend!! 🙂
I hear you, Joy– I think that moving can present lots of challenges. Relationships can take so long to develop, and to get to that place where we’ve reached an understanding about how to support each other. I hope you find that trusted confidant soon. I ache for that type of connection as well.
Thanks Anna! I really appreciate that. Sometimes I feel like I work so hard to keep calm… it doesn’t always happen though and I’m grateful for those moments of raw emotion as well.
You’re right, Marcella! I don’t think that we should be a basket case all the time… haha. I just hope that some (occasional) raw authenticity can help others understand me better.
Oh Daisy, don’t take it so hard on yourself if you don’t have it together all the time. Everyone is confused and scared about the future and searching for happiness. Like me, I look like I have the perfect, most-enviable life of traveling the world. But in reality, I’m scared that I have no idea what my future looks like. I gave up my career and I’m scared that I don’t know how to do anything else, and that I don’t even know what my other interests are (besides blogging that makes me NO money). I’m scared that this life is not sustainable but I don’t know what else to do either. Don’t worry about having to seem perfect all the time. Perfection is boring anyway, and I love these raw feelings type of writing. 🙂
A really interesting post, Daisy! This is something that I’ve been thinking about as it’s like the duck analogy – sometimes people think I’m calm but really I’m treading water! Though I do find if I act calm, then I will become calmer than if I let the stress take over, just a thought 🙂
Before we moved, I was a completely open book. I had no problem opening up about struggles and my demeanor mirrored my inner soul. Now, I feel the horrible imbalance of feeling closed externally, and so open internally. I don’t have any trusted confidants around me and when I feel like someone is going to offer a listening ear, I realize they wanted “the short” of it. Demeanor is a fickle thing throughout our lives, isn’t it?
This is so interesting to think about. I’m going to be contemplating this for some time….
Man. This is powerful. I love how you expressed your thoughts. This is so profound an idea, and something I will definitely ponder in my own life. Thank, friends.
I think you really notice this now, more often, when people project a certain image online and feel that they have to live up to it, even if it’s not their true selves.
There is definitely value in having a few good friends in your life that you can be your real self around – when you don’t have to worry about what you’re saying or how you say it.
Away From The Blue Blog
Yes it does, it lies all the time, like I am not sad when I am, or I am not worried about my health when in truth I am pretty worried, you know the everyday run of the mill lies
This is so so good! I’m also going to show this to a friend of mine, who has an absolutely beautiful heart and incredible demeanor…but I know she masks a lot too. I think this post will be very encouraging to her.
Emily {A fellow Peony}
I can totally relate to this post. I wrote quite a bit about this subject of vulnerability and the courage it takes. My husband and I were living and working in an environment where we felt like people rejected us if we tried to be open and vulnerable. It was tough. But God be praised that He heard our prayers and moved us to a much healthier place. But vulnerability is still a challenge. As a new mom, sometimes I pretend like I have it all together instead of saying, “Hey, today was hard. I put on makeup before coming here. But it was the first time all week. I feel overwhelmed.”
I need to help people see better ways of being/doing. Why? So, they don’t see what a lousy job I am doing myself. It feels safer to share the good things I’ve learned over the years that to share the ones I am struggling with right now.
Yes to all of this. I often feel so much pressure to have everything “together”—even when my insides are screaming. Thanks so much for this insightful post, as always!
xoxo
Kat
Oh man… I am the perky/outgoing person who has a breakdown once a month where I need to be quiet and hide under some blankets for the afternoon.
Life on Instagram is not real. I repeat. Life on Instagram is not real. LOL
Daisy I love this post! It’s so easy to hide behind our demeanor- especially for introverts, I think. I can put on a happy face, or a content face, or a calm face when really I feel the opposite. Thanks for bringing that to light. I think it’s even harder for us to come to terms with it than it is to put up the front in the first place.
Girl we ALL feel this way and ALL do this! Especially at work, when I don’t want to feel out of place. So I put up this wall of faux confidence. But inside, I’m totally vulnerable! I think it’s ok to be. We shouldn’t feel the need to put on a front all the time, but sometimes I do it and don’t even realize it.
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You hit the nail on the head, Daisy! My issue is that I keep up the calm and cool demeanor with my friends and those I casually come in contact with, but my ugly side comes out with my family (probably because I know they’ll always forgive me!). I hate that I keep everything in and then it all comes bursting out on the people I love the most and who are most important to me. I think I need to acknowledge my struggles and fears as they develop rather than allowing it to build and inevitably burst. Great post!
Hi Daisy, what a great post. I think that we like to project a certain image onto the world but then forget that others do the exact same thing. I guess we’re all walking around scared, struggling, unhappy, and stressed sometimes—even when we don’t show it.
Thank you so much for this post Daisy! It does seem like we all have certain ‘masks’ we put on at times. I loved the comment you made, ‘Everything I “preach” is representative of a goal I have, a journey I’m on.’ That is exactly how I feel when I write sometimes. I worry that I will come off as being perfect at something, when really it is a life goal I am always working and moving towards.
I have struggled with this, and still do. People used to comment often on how I was “always so happy” and would refuse to believe me when I told them it wasn’t true. I also give the impression of having everything under control and knowing what I’m doing, which brings with it so much pressure of trying to live up to an image that just isn’t me and makes me feel like I’m letting people down if I admit I’m not up to something.
It’s so easy to see how frightening venerability, openness and honesty can be, but sometimes it’s important be reminded of the hidden price we pay for keeping up a front and not letting people know what’s going on with us.
It’s so easy to think that hiding what’s really going on is good for other people (less of a burden on them), but people need to see that they aren’t the only one struggling. So often, we convey that to others by not sharing our own difficulties in life, making them feel more alone rather than less burdened.