My definition of perfectionism has gotten a whole lot bigger.
I used to think that perfectionism meant looking good all the time, performing well at everything, and creating an impenetrable facade of, well, perfection.
As it turns out, perfectionism is a lot more about the self than anything else. It’s about perception, will, and inflexibility. It’s driven by all kinds of forces that are generally harmful when taken too far.
Coming to terms with my perfectionism was no easy task. After all, once admitting to perfectionism, one is no longer perfect. Ironic, isn’t it?
But, was I willing to confess my need to be perfect– really, to have my way– in order to experience more freedom? Can perfectionism be traded in for more joy?
As I continue journeying through marriage, through this confusing twenty-something season, and through life in my less-than-favorite city, I am realizing that perfectionism is best lost as soon as possible. And I’ve come to that conclusion through a series of revelations.
5 Reasons Why Perfectionism Steals Your Joy
1) Perfectionism is a socially-acceptable form of anger.
Is perfectionism bad? Its relationship to anger completely caught me off-guard, but I have realized it to be true. Perfectionism is driven by an anger toward anything less. When things don’t go my way, when standards are not met, when I’m disappointed, I respond in anger. Perhaps even wrath. The sin (yes sin!) of wrath is veiled by perfectionism, but the one who hurts the most is me. I no longer want to indulge my angry tendencies by excusing it with the desire for perfectionism.
2) Perfectionism hurts relationships.
Any self-aware perfectionist will admit to moments when it has brought pain to others. Perfectionism often sets unspoken expectations that our friends and loved ones (unknowingly) have to follow. Once unmet, those expectations become footholds for grudges that can last a long time– tick marks of wrongdoing unforgiven and unforgotten. I want to strive for deep friendship, but not perfectionism. Imperfect human beings like you and me must learn to love each other.
3) Perfectionism can’t see beyond the present.
Put plainly, perfectionism is an unwillingness for things not to go our way. Whether it’s planning a trip, getting ready in the morning, building a resume or having a difficult conversation, my need to be perfect keeps me from an open mind. If things don’t go my way, I threaten to myself, something drastic and terrible will happen. In other words, it’s my way or the highway.
Don’t we know, however, that the unexpected thing can often be the best thing? Haven’t we experienced the joy and freedom of acknowledging our surprise– that something turned out even better than we could ever have wanted? In the meantime, don’t we also know that through tragedy there is always the hope of moving forward?
4) Perfectionism encourages shame.
Perfectionism is often a tool we use to save our pride– because who wants to look stupid, incompetent, unattractive, unwise, or just plain bad? However, feeding our perfectionism means feeding our propensity to feel shame.
When our pride is hurt, we can go one of two ways: we can choose to be humbled and freed from the need to be right, or we can choose to be ashamed and angry about our missteps. Surprisingly enough, humility is the more difficult choice for most of us, because it means we actually have to relinquish our perfectionism. But, once relinquished, we are free to move beyond our mistakes, to keep them from defining us.
5) Perfectionism starts defining us.
With the need to perfect comes the need to be identified with whatever we are perfecting. We begin choosing to be defined by perfection– which can only, sooner or later, become problematic.
The best thing about leaving perfectionism behind is, I stop thinking that people expect perfection from me. Whenever I start a task, I tell myself, I’m going to work very hard on this, but no one is expecting it to be perfect. Whenever I make a decision, I know that even though I’ve considered the consequences, no decision is ever perfect.
As a result, perfectionism loses the battle over my mind and my desires. Then I can strive for greater, far more worthwhile things than perfection. And I can experience joy.
Why Perfectionism Steals Joy:
If you’ve made it this far in this post, then you know why I think perfectionism is damaging. But why does it steal joy, as opposed to other things?
In truth, nothing can steal your joy, but you can choose not to experience it. Perfectionism is the decision not to experience joy. It is the mindset that makes everything less than what it is, impossible to be experienced fully and richly. On the other hand, joy is deep contentment– not a fleeting sense of happiness– and it requires humility and freedom to hold onto.
If you’re a fellow perfectionist, I hope that you and I can find freedom from our need to be perfect, to be in charge, and to be without guilt or error. Because the fact is, we’re only fooling ourselves, and that act of denial is hurting us more than we know.
Letting go of perfectionism can lead to a fuller, richer experience of life and relationships without the stronghold of perfection. We can live without fear that we are less than perfect. We’re not perfect; we are enough.
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I love this! I wrote about a similar subject (how comparison steals our joy). I struggle with comparison a lot, which I suppose is quite related to perfectionism in many ways. I am currently finishing up my first ebook, which I am going to offer for free to subscribers on the subject of joy. Your quote “In truth, nothing can steal your joy, but you can choose not to experience it. Perfectionism is the decision not to experience joy. It is the mindset that makes everything less than what it is, impossible to be experienced fully and richly. On the other hand, joy is deep contentment– not a fleeting sense of happiness– and it requires humility and freedom to hold onto.” Emphasizes a lot of what I talk about it my ebook. If you would be okay with it, I would love to include it as a quote in my ebook (with link and attribution given to you of course).
I really enjoy this post. This is something I struggle with. I also like your blog.
Ah thanks friend!! I’m so glad this resonated with you!!
I wish I could write Amen all over this post! One hundred amens from me! Our lives will forever want to seek perfectionism, but we must be intentional about seeking grace, truth and joy!
Thanks girl!! Thanks for reading!
So glad this resonated with you, Cassie!!
Thank you Natalie!! I am so glad this resonated with you. And thanks for reading!!
Ah thanks Jana! That means a lot to me! 🙂 And me too– usually I’m angry because I want things (and people) to be perfect.
Ahh thanks so much Anne, that means a lot to me. We do miss out when we don’t allow ourselves to appreciate and be grateful for things as they are.
🙂 thanks for reading, Jess!
OH my gosh! I was just reading about this exact thing yesterday!
So glad I came across your post <3
YES YES YES. I’m a recovering perfectionist and it definitely does steal joy. We have to learn how to ride the wave of life and not have it be perfect or in our control at all times!
I loved reading this post! It’s so true that trying to be perfect just causing more problems and drains us of all our energy that could be used in so many different ways! Thank you for sharing your heart on this topic 🙂 I took away some great reminders.
Girl, you are so insightful! I never thought about how perfectionism relates to anger, but now that you bring it up, that’s probably what fuels my anger and disappointment 99% of the time. Love this post!
The notion that perfectionism steals joy is so true and not one that I had fully considered before. If we don’t allow ourselves to see the beauty or experience the beauty of something flawed we are missing out on oh so much! Love your posts Daisy…thanks for sharing them!
Yes, working with kids has helped me relinquish some of my perfectionism! I can only imagine what it’s like to be a mom!
Thanks Christine! I really appreciate that. I think that perfectionism and order aren’t quite the same– we definitely need order and consistency and that’s a good thing! 🙂
Thanks friend! Yes, “enough” is such a good word.
Thank you so much Gina, so glad this resonated with you!! Recognizing the difference between our best and “perfection” is so important.
Ah thanks girl! I’m so glad it encouraged you. God is indeed faithful (and doesn’t need our flailing attempts to be perfect).
Thanks Anna! Yes, perfectionism can definitely slow us down in unnecessary ways!
ah thank you, friend! I’m glad you were encouraged.
Thank you so much Christina, I really appreciate that! You’re so right that life is too short to be worried about perfection (or in our case, disappointed in ourselves or others).
Exactly! It is not easy to stop desiring perfection, even when we know it’s unattainable.
Thanks so much Ashley! It definitely is an idol; a false goal that we work towards to no good end. I think that working with kids has challenged my perfectionism a lot– I see what it takes to nurture them to thrive, rather than to be perfect. Blessings to you, friend!
Yes… when someone pointed that out to me for the first time I was really surprised. But, I have definitely realized that anger is what I feel when I realize that I (or someone else) has done something imperfectly. It’s hard to swallow!
Thank you so much, Lane! Yes, we are set free by letting go of those standard we put on ourselves and on others. Thanks for reading!
Thank you Brittany! I struggle with #2 the most, probably. I can feel it every time someone else’s choices or words disappoints me, and I have to remind myself that I am there to encourage them and not to give them points for their behavior. I’ve felt this to be especially true in my relationship with my parents! They allow me to be who I am, so I should allow them the same!
Thanks girl!! 🙂
Thanks Nina!! You’re so right to say that perfectionism is a competition against ourselves in which we always lose… it’s so paradoxical and so true.
Ah thank you Erica!! We need to encourage each other 🙂
Thank you so much Shireen, I really appreciate that! And yes, my perfectionism has led to a lot of fights as well. I feel ya!
Preach!
This is great and perfect in so many ways! Perfectionism, the struggle is real! Sometimes I think to myself, I wish I wasn’t such a perfectionist, I would have less stress in my life but then again, having no order would also get to me
WOW. Did I need to read this! Yes, yes, yes to all of this. Thank you for writing this and handling it with such grace.
I have an odd stance on this: I’m incredibly messy, disorganized, and just want to “wing it” through most things.. but when it comes to creating stuff (like blogging), I expect perfectionism out of my work. But I’m learning that not everything needs to be perfect, otherwise, nothing would ever get done. There will always be something I’m not happy about, and it’s best to not dwell on it and just move forward. Great post, Daisy!
Amen Amen Amen Amen. I resonate with all of this, friend. Thanks for taking the time to flesh it out and share it. It’s powerful! God is faithful.
I’ve always struggled with thinking everything had to be perfect too, it’s been a recurring theme even since I was little in my report cards from school, through to reviews at work..that I can be a bit of a perfectionist, often to the detriment of things. Having a baby has certainly helped me challenge and work on that more than any reports or reviews did! You can never be perfect with a baby, but you can be enough and that is all that matters. Even if I sometimes have a bad morning when I don;t get everything organised and out the door perfectly on time like I wanted, I’m getting better with learning to just let it go and achieve what I can that day.
Away From The Blue
This is so on point! Sometimes we expect and want things a certain way but we tend not to enjoy them after a while! It’s good to be enough!
Wow, so eye-opening Daisy. Thanks for spreading this truth today. This is exactly the type of message I needed to hear! I hope to come to terms with my perfectionism and realize that it is okay to work hard and want to do my best at certain things, but in no way should everything go my way or be perfect. Nothing can be perfect by our terms. Just making sure we realize this and live it out is so important!
This is so awesome Daisy, and I couldn’t agree more. I’ve always struggled with perfectionism and it’s just been in the last year (since becoming a Mom really) that I’ve decided to be like Frozen and “let it go” ;). Life is too short to be worried about doing everything perfectly. Where is the fun and joy in that?!
Yes yes yes I so agree, although for some it isn’t easy to stop chasing perfection but if they did they would be happier
Ah thanks Kristin! That means a lot to me!!
Thank you! I feel the same way– good thing we can inspire each other. 🙂
Thank you so much, friend! That means a lot to me.
I’ve honestly never thought about it being a form of anger. I’ve struggled with perfectionism all my life, and I’ve often had the attitude of “if I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not going to do it”, which, as you can imagine, negatively impacted my life in a big way.
I love this article so much! I really used to have a problem with this. I think I still do sometimes, but I am way easier on myself than ever before. I always thought holding myself to super high standards would make me better in every way (and in some ways it did help me stay motivated), but it really just caused me to turn against myself and other people as well. Letting go and acknowledging that no one is perfect totally set me free.
You tackled a tough subject so well, Daisy! I’ve never thought about perfectionism as a justified/socially accepted form of anger, but you’re so right! I think what finally pushed me over the edge and caused me to give up perfectionism was the impact it was having on my relationships (#2). I thought perfection was all about me and trying to the best, but it took my so long to realize I was holding other people to impossible standards too. So hard to admit, but it changed my relationships when I did!
Yes yes yes! All of this, yes.
Daisy. I can’t tell you how great this post is. I thought that a perfectionist was super organized and very anal and a lot of patience to make everything look and feel pretty when I was growing up so when my mom said I was a perfectionist I nearly laughed until I realized she meant that I put enormous pressure on myself to be not perfect, but some version of my best…It’s like I am always in competition with myself so I always lose. Anyway it was a huge moment before and I have been a recovering perfectionist for many years because it was stealing my joy. I love your thoughts! 🙂
This is an AWESOME post, Daisy. As a recovering perfectionist, I know all of these feelings all too well. It really does leave me feeling worse, in shame, angry, hurt, constantly upset or disappointed in myself, working too much and hurting my relationships in the process…it can be toxic! This is such a great reminder to step back and refocus.
cominguprosestheblog.com
My husband was a perfectionist and it was extremely tough at the start of our relationship. We are complete polar opposites, I like to wing it while he must have a life itinerary. There was a lot of fights but eventually we found our way to meet in the middle and we now balance each other. This is definitely one of your best posts, Daisy and that’s saying a lot because most if not all of your posts are amazingly written.
Shireen | Reflection of Sanity
GOOD GRIEF! This is seriously one of the best blog posts I’ve EVER written! Well done, fellow Peony friend! Thank you for letting God use you.
Kristin // thepeculiartreasureblog.com
This really hits home for me. Sometimes it’s hard to put a name on your behaviors and feelings until you read something like this that resonates 🙂
“We’re not perfect, we are enough.” I love this! I will definitely remember it when perfection tries to creep in. Thanks for sharing!