Many well-intentioned people have recited the adage, Comparison is the thief of joy. I myself have been one of those people.
However, I’ve realized that this adage scratches at the surface of a much deeper issue.
I do not believe that comparison has to steal joy. The mere act of realizing somebody is taller than I am does not immediately make me discontent with my own height. Did I compare? Yes. Did I lose joy? No.
This is one of the dilemmas that we often have as individuals, and as a society: we blame the wrong source for our woes. Or, as one of my best friends used to say, we need to attack the lion, not the flies buzzing around the lion.
Here’s what I’m getting at. The mere act of comparison is simply observing, perhaps taking stock of, the differences between one thing and another.
We compare all the time. We compare deals at the grocery store. We compare phone plans. We compare career options. We compare different pairs of shoes to decide which one to purchase.
Comparison is an important act of discernment. If we weren’t able to compare, we would be unable to make wise decisions.
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So when does comparison become a problem?
It becomes a problem when it leads to, or stems from, envy. Envy is what makes us sick in the heart. Envy is what drives us to desire the downfall of another. Envy makes us discontent, joy-less, and sometimes even vengeful.
Someone told me recently that envy is the only one of the 7 deadly sins that is no fun at all. Isn’t that true? Indulge in the other 7 sins and you might reap instant gratification (and some long-term suffering). Indulge in envy, and all you reap is more dissatisfaction, discontentment, and ill will.
But comparison does not have result in envy. Comparison can result in admiration, inspiration, and motivation. It can make us grateful that we can look at others and desire more for ourselves. It can make us humble and realize that we still have a long way to go.
Comparison is not the thief of joy. Envy, on the other hand, will steal your joy, your relationships, your motivation, and so much more.
How to stop envy in its tracks
We should not go through life with blinders on in order to avoid comparison, but we can train our hearts out of the habit of envy.
So what do we do when we see someone who has something we desire for ourselves, and that familiar bitterness begins to seep in?
1) We can trust that there’s more to the story.
No, life is not a zero-sum game where everyone has the same amount of fortune and misfortune. But just because somebody seems to excel at one thing does not mean they excel at everything. Or just because they seem to excel at everything does not mean that they have everything. There’s more to their story than the one thing that we want. And if we take the time to explore that story, it’s likely the envy will go away.
2) We can become more aware of the need around us and seek to alleviate it.
The more time you spend sharing with someone in need, the less time you have to think about your own lack. And that can be a good thing. I am a strong believer that generosity must be cultivated at every season of life, not just when we think we finally have enough. And no matter how much or how little you have, it is likely that you can be generous in several different ways.
3) We can remember that there is no use in envying those who do wrong.
Has someone been able to “get ahead” because they did something dishonest? It can be tempting to envy them for that, and perhaps even justify revenge against them in the name of “justice.” But think twice before you indulge that temptation: our choices shape our desires, and our desires shape who we are. If dishonesty is not something you desire for yourself, then there is no reason to envy someone who has given in to it.
4) We can take note of what we admire and put our energy towards that.
If someone has accomplished something we hope to accomplish, we can probably learn a lesson or two from them. The ability to recognize what exactly that person has done, and then to emulate it (uniquely of course), can take us a long way. So, the next time you feel tempted to envy someone’s accomplishments, ask them instead. Ask them how they got to where they are– and use it as an opportunity to learn and to network.
5) We can let go of our imperfections and recover from the desire to be perfect.
You know what else steals joy? Perfectionism. And so often our need to be perfect makes us envy and despise those who have what we don’t (and might never) have. Are you a recovering perfectionist? Then join me (and a bunch of other people) in conquering it— read more about perfectionism here.
6) Get lost in something greater than all of us.
That feeling of walking into the woods or hiking up a mountain, and realizing that we are tiny— that’s a feeling that can heal. In other words, the decision to be humble before greater things can help us look beyond our insufficiencies and what little more someone has than we do. What are our petty score sheets in the face of true beauty and true greatness?
Don’t stop comparing; stop envying.
Let’s be people who can understand our limitations without feeling anger towards those who don’t have them.
Let’s be people who can look at excellence and feel admiration, not indignation.
Let’s be people who are free to observe reality as it is without allowing it to steal our joy.
Let’s train our hearts for greater things, so that we can support and encourage each other on this journey.
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You are so spot-on, Daisy! The simple act of comparing two things is not going to steal joy. If we never compared ourselves to others (or even our own past actions), we might not have the motivation to grow and keep working. It’s when you belittle yourself and tell yourself you can’t achieve what others have achieved that it becomes a problem.
The Blissful Mind
Hi Jackie!
Girl, I totally get what you’re saying. It can be so discouraging when we don’t reap what we think we’ve sown, while others seem to reap what they did not sow. I’ve only realized recently that the envy in my heart is planting seeds that I WILL sow– for the worse. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here, friend! I appreciate it. 🙂
There is such wisdom in this. Throughout certain times of my life, I have struggled immensely with envy. Usually it occurs when I perceive something as unfair. It usually goes like this: so and so got this and she has not worked nearly as hard as me, when is it going to be my turn?? This type of thinking is so wasteful. I have had great success battling this by recognizing that someone else’s success, very rarely if ever, is the cause of my perceived “failure” or “misfortune”. Good things happen, bad things happen, and we are all walking different paths. I try to remind myself that we all have seasons of highs and lows.
Ah thanks Catherine! I appreciate that!
Oh, thanks dear friend! I’m so glad that this resonated with you– I was catching myself feeling jealous just earlier today when I saw someone at the coffee shop. It’s a journey. 🙂
Thank you for your thoughtful words, Ashley! You are so right that we miss out on what God has in store for us when we give in to envy. It’s certainly a sign that our faith and gratitude needs some work! And Amen– He does always have more for us!
I’ve never looked at comparison and envy this way. It’s kind of life altering actually.
“And if we take the time to explore that story, it’s likely the envy will go away.”
^ That is so so good.
This was sort of brilliant. I know when I compare myself to others, but I dont always consciously catch myself being jealous over them. It’s a hard thing to stop, but your tips are very well thought out and I can see working. Definitely keeping this in my back pocket 😉
xo marlen
Messages on a Napkin
So interesting and thought provoking, Daisy. It is truly, all a case of the heart. Though I think when we compare phone plans it is completely different than when we compare ourself to others. We can admire others growth, but as soon as we compare our growth to theirs, we forget (and can miss out) on what God has in store for us…which could be small or completely different growth. Like you said in your first point…which is my favorite thing ever. ? I am always surprised by the more He has for me!
🙂 Thanks
I really enjoy your blog.
Thank you Annie! Envy is so subtle sometimes, it’s easy to miss. Glad this resonated with you, and thanks for reading!
Ahh thanks Rachel. I’ve missed YOU! Hope you’re doing well. xo
Oh that is a GREAT example Brittany! I think generally comparison is a great way to improve photography. I look back at old photos and I realize that my style has improved because I look closely at others’ photos. And I’m getting better at noticing the envy in my heart as well!
Thank you Christina! It’s hard to get to that point where we genuinely feel only joy for others’ successes– but I believe it’s possible!
Thank you so so much Rachael! I appreciate that.
Thank you so much Marcella, I appreciate that! And your point about idolization is such a good one– we can end up thinking the world of something that is imperfect, and allow that sort of “worship” to inform us in inaccurate ways. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, friend!
Thanks friend!! And you’re exactly right– what we allow comparison to do is where the issue is.
Thank you Nina! It really is– or envy is comparison gone rogue!
Julia, thank you for reading! I’m so glad that you’ve found freedom in making comparisons without feeling envy. Envy does put us all in a bad place– there are so many better ways to respond.
Hi Kristin,
Thanks so much for your comment! I think that comparison can definitely lead to discontentment, perhaps without envy. I’ve certainly found perfectionism to be the culprit in many cases as well.
Thank you for reading this so thoughtfully!
Thank you for reading, Jenna! Perfectionism definitely poisoned my perspective and some of my relationships– I’ve needed to rectify those things!
Hey Kelsey,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I just recently started going to the gym (sort of), and it can be so easy to be caught up in what others are doing. I’ve never been super athletic so I don’t pay attention to those details, but my first thought whenever I get to the gym is — *I need to come here more often to look like these people*!!
So, I get it.
Also, I’m really glad this resonated with you. Berating ourselves (or others) is not the response that we have to have when making comparisons! Thanks for reading!
Interesting post. Definitely made me think! I struggle with comparasion and therefore envy so this was great for me to read! It’s a tough habit to kick.
Wonderful post, thank you for sharing, dear! I’ve missed your blog greatly, but now I should be able to catch up. ^_^ <3
YES, this! I have thought this so many times! I think comparison can be an excellent growth tool. It’s such a small example, but comparison is what helped me develop a “style” for my Instagram feed and for photography in general. It’s so easy to miss it when envy does sneak in and and try to steal the joy, but I hope I’m getting better about noticing this quickly!
Thank you Christine! Perfectionism is vicious– we’re all recovering together!
So much truth in this! Envy can be such an ugly beast, and is something that I really used to struggle with. Now I’m at a point where if something great happens to a friend, I can be genuinely happy for them and feel like that good thing is happening to me too. Life is so much more peaceful without envy! 🙂
Thank you so, so much Tawni! I appreciate that! I’m learning to ask more questions of people I admire and seeking to emulate those things.
Thanks so much Nabihah. And what you said to your friend is so right. Just because someone excels at something doesn’t detract from our own value.
Thanks Heather! I’m glad this resonated with you– I think we can definitely tackle envy as the perpetrator of the crime!
Thank you Jo-Anne, I appreciate that!
Thank you so much Helene!!
adore this post! i just love how clear you write!
Hell yes I so agree with this, a bloody great and thought provoking post
Great post, and great steps toward conquering the real beast of envy. I love that you so often offer steps to your readers, regardless of what issue you’re talking about!
This post is so so appropriate – I was telling my friend today that there’s no point in seeing yourself relative to someone else. Someone being less smart than you doesn’t make you smarter and someone being smarter than you doesn’t make you dumber. There’s no point comparing yourself to others because you’ll be content as long as you’re better than someone else rather than the best version of yourself!
Wow, I loved this! Such a good word. Thank you so much.
This right now is a real struggle for me: “If someone has accomplished something we hope to accomplish, we can probably learn a lesson or two from them. The ability to recognize what exactly that person has done, and then to emulate it (uniquely of course), can take us a long way. So, the next time you feel tempted to envy someone’s accomplishments, ask them instead. Ask them how they got to where they are– and use it as an opportunity to learn and to network.”
And I *love* what you say about it!
Thanks for sharing you heart.
xotawni
Such a great post Daisy! I never thought about how Envy is so different than the other deadly sins before… and it’s totally true. I’m totally guilty of No. 5. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have a care in the world but that wouldn’t be me. I just need to control my perfectionism and just r.e.l.a.x. 🙂
Wonderful post. You are so right… it’s okay to compare ourselves to others, as long as we check our heart. <3
This made me think, so thank you 🙂 I usually see comparison as a bad thing but you are very right that it can be a simple observation. I guess there can often be a very thin line between when comparison becomes envy. I think it can also become a kind of unhealthy idolisation, which I think we so often see on social media!
Such a great way to think about it! I feel like letting comparison lead to something is is where the problem lies.
You are so right. Envy IS much different than comparison.
SO true. I can definitely think of times where I have compared myself without envying the person and I am able to be truly happy for that person OR it motivates me to do better! But envy always, always brings me to a bad place.
Hmm. Definitely something to think through. I agree with you, but I also know that personally, comparison (without envy), does steal my joy at times. Now, as a general rule, I do think you are right, but there have been times where I was not envious, I did not wish ill of the person who had more, I just felt like something was wrong with me and my situation. Maybe that is the perfectionism that you were speaking to, but I don’t really feel that that is the same thing as envy. Maybe it depends on the person? Maybe, for some, joy isn’t stolen until envy comes, whereas for others, even just comparing causes issues?
I definitely agree that we have to discern, which in form, is comparison, but it just seems a little different to me.
I appreciate your deep thought on this though and I definitely think you are on to something 🙂
Yes! I’ve often quoted that line as well, but you are spot on. #5 is what I have the hardest time with! I’m a perfectionist so often times my comparison has to do with seeing others are doing something better than I am, resulting in envy.
I couldn’t agree with you more on this. And like you, I’ve uttered this phrase before…
But this year I’ve quickly realized that in some areas of life, comparison is necessary – not only when comparing phone plans or grocery prices, but in others areas we’re often told to NOT compare: ourselves to others.
Personally, I believe that comparing ourselves to others, when approached thoughtfully and rationally and with the intent to better ourselves (to be our best “self,” not to be better than someone else), can actually be positive and yield positive outcomes. I suppose such an outlook can be applied to areas of one’s life such as work or academics, but I most often use this approach in my personal life at the gym.
I’m in the gym a lot. At least six days a week, at least an hour a day. I don’t belong to a CrossFit gym (anymore), but what I do can be considered CrossFit. Anyway, the point is: my workouts are especially intense and the sports of CrossFit and weightlifting require skill, speed, stamina, strength, agility and overall athleticism. They also require dedication. In the gym, it is SO EASY to become discouraged when we don’t hit a certain weight or perfect a certain skill or hit a certain goal “fast enough,” and begin comparing ourselves to others; to those athletes around us that are “stronger” and “faster” and “better.” This can be dangerous, sure, but I believe that when approached thoughtfully and rationally (and, yes, emotionally, because after all, emotion drives us), comparing ourselves – our technique, our programming, our nutritional habits, our overall approach to fitness – to those whose skill or strength or physique we admire can help us see where we can make adjustments to our technique or programming or nutritional habits or overall approach to fitness, in order to hit that elusive weight or perfect that elusive skill or hit that elusive goal.
We just have to be careful that comparing ourselves doesn’t turn into berating (or worse) ourselves; to use it constructively (which is so hard to do, I know) instead of harmfully; to not let our drive to excel and reach our goals turn into envy for someone else’s accomplishments.
Okay. I’ve rambled for far too long. So again: Thanks for posting on this topic!